Sunday, December 18, 2005


I say this with, sobbing. I went to see a movie called The Family Stone with my mom last night. I was expecting a funny movie, stomach muscles and cheeks hurting from laughter, feel good kind of movie night. WARNING: for those that want to see it, stop reading unless you could care less about twists.

Well, as you are going along wondering what everyone's problem is, you find out that the mom is dying of breast cancer. At the end, you are left with her death and the family moving on. I shed a tear and thought I'd be on my way. My mom and I sat through the credits (as we always do), while she sings some old song I don't know but was apparently hugely popular in her day. I had a horrible thought racing through my head and I thought that if I didn't roll it off my tongue, I would burst. I started crying painfully, and as I tried to choke it out, the words wouldn't vocalize. I waited until I had some composure (my mom was waiting patiently also) and I finally squeaked out in sobs..."I'm glad it wasn't you."

There it was--betrayal. I felt relieved and guilty at the same time. By saying that, was I saying, "I'm glad it was my dad instead?" No. But it crossed my mind. It is a horrible thought to feel you favor one parent over another, or the thought that you could ever be thankful that it was one gone over the other. Well, I faced it. And there it is. I'm sad that it was him, but I'm equally glad it wasn't her.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Only in Texas

I guess it was a week ago when we had the freezing-cold-Ice-Storm-of-the-Year and today I was wearing short sleeves...

Caroling for Kenya

This past Saturday, I went caroling to raise money for our team going to Kenya in March. It was fun and we raised a little bit of money too! I am praying for God's grace in support raising. I feel a little behind, but I know that is MY human brain trying to believe God when He says He will provide. But, the money is due soon! So, if anyone is wanting to support me, let me know and I'll find a way to get the check from ya! I still need quite a bit.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Storm of the Year

Ok, so we had our first ice "storm" (if that is what you call it) here in North Texas. You would think that we would learn from past mistakes and STOP driving big semi-trucks over bridges, but I've just spent an hour watching the news and all the wrecks that keep happening. Did I mention I got the day off of school? Yay!

I drove home last night from my friends' house and it took me like 30 minutes to go across town. It was kind of fun to drive through the ice. I got stuck behind a stuck truck at TWU (the big hill) and I was very thankful for my brother at that point. He made me learn how to counter-steer a fishtail, and by golly, I think that is how I made it past the ice hill. Plus, it was super fun! I was glad to get home, lie around, and snuggle up while watching the Ewan McGregor motorcycle marathon. *sigh*

I've got a surprise day off. I think I'll put up my Christmas tree...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Social Purgatory

I once heard a singles talk (no, this one was not the typical "I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.." one) where the woman started off by saying, " I LOVE being single. I want to be married." Can these two statements co-exist? (one wonders) I believe, yes. But I am getting the suspicion that most people don't think so. Read the rest of this post with that in mind...I agree with the statment and carry it wholeheartedly: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being single. I SO want to be married.

The other day in church, we were asked to shout out what we are thankful for. I waited as I heard many things from others to be thankful for: God, babies, family, car rides that went well, safety, etc. The only thing that came to mind was what I shouted out: singleness. After the few chuckles subsided, I found myself pretty peeved. Why do people chuckle when you say that? It's like they don't believe me. "Poor dear, it takes courage to find contentment. I am glad she is speaking truth so she can believe it." Like someone with boils on their body saying, "I'm thankful for good health."

This was just icing on a multi-layered, very old cake for me. I have heard this time and time again. Many singles feel that we are in some sort of 'social purgatory', waiting, twiddling thumbs, until the marriage lottery calls our number. Is it really the end all, be all, of life? Don't get me wrong about marriage (remember my disclaimer at the start), but this is stinkin' frustrating to deal with, day in and day out. Part of my discontentment with singleness is because I almost feel like something is wrong with me if ever I am actually content being alone.

When else could I do the things that I do? Why sit around when the Lord has given me time to use for Him, without any distraction? I look forward to the day when (rather, if) God allows the beautiful "distractions" that marriage/kids can bring, but how is moping, sulking, complaining, and envying going to bring me to that desire?

I hope I haven't ticked anyone off.