The Lost Hair

So, confession...I struggle with boys. There, I said it. If I find one of them attractive in ANY way, I am tongue tied and unable to be myself. Then, I sit back and watch as something about them disappoints me, and suddenly, I am free to be me. Do you see the dilemma?? I am free to be me...who cares about being you if you don't want them to notice anymore? It's wild really. My "head" is too active in the process and I struggle with the faith to continue to believe that God works ridiculously through us, around us, beside us, and without us.

A few months ago, I realized that faith is most certainly a gift from God, for it comes on so suddenly. But, how do we "lose" it?? This had been my week: I had lost faith in God's goodness with guys on Monday. Manhood and marriage for me was hopelessly drowning in a sea of mediocrity and cowardice...until Tuesday. Then, just as I felt I couldn't believe because I did not see "manhood," I realized I should renounce Christ altogether. **Don't freak...I didn't...stay with me here on the logic** Is it not ALL faith: one body, one mind, one Lord? If I doubt the part, I must doubt the whole. There is so much to my saving faith that doesn't involve sight that I realized how ridiculous it seems that I couldn't trust Him for much smaller (dare I say, easier?) things in my heart and life. By Wedenesday, I knew how important that realization had been because my faith in love & manhood (well, more God's goodness) had returned completely. What a gift! (meaning: given to me; not acquired on my own)

Sight cannot bring faith--it merely confirms or refutes the past. It is not an indicator even of what is to come. I am such a formula person, that faith irritates me--life appears random & irrational and I struggle to have faith without unbending expectations. How do you hope for something unseen & then not feel disappointed when the light reveals the actual? When this relates to loving a person, I'm a hopeless romantic. Or, wait, maybe romantically hopeless...

Right now, you are probably thinking, "Nice post, Katie, but what the crap does this have to do with the title, 'The Lost Hair'??" In my mind, it seems only routine to lose faith, like strands of hair--natural, daily, unnoticeable to the whole unless you are forced to look at the lost pieces--leaving room for stronger, more plentiful, growth-hungry hair.

When faith is lost through reason, it seems only faith can bring it back. When it does, your faith seems more reasonable. You trackin'?

My Spiderman Suit

I wrote this in my journal in September, but it was coming back to my mind--so, I thought I'd write it down officially (I guess others reading it makes it 'official' in my mind):

While driving home after an exhausting week, I turn the corner near my apartment complex to find Spiderman and his friend chasing a teasing bunch of balloons. Well, it wasn't really Spiderman, but the cutest little kid decked out head-to-toe in a long-sleeve pant suit--spinning and running wildly in the blazing heat. He seemed not to care--the colorful balloons were the object of his attention. I was struck by how odd this was...not because kids were playing, but because we as adults have lost that. At some point, that excitement leaves us and fatigue or boredom takes over. That little kid woke up too early, raced off to school (his 'work'), worked for 7 hours, played 20 minutes of that 7 hours, then was herded out to his car to go home. Can you imagine the scene as he races to his bedroom to change into his Spiderman sauna suit? He'll spend another 3-4 hours playing his heart out, passion sustaining him--with a like-minded friend at his side. I was jealous...

My first thought was: what is my Spiderman suit? What passion do I have that would make me continue to burn the energy after my day job? At that point, I realized what my passions are and how often I don't do anything about them. But, that little boy showed me the importance of going full speed ahead toward something you love after working each day. We need to race home, pursue our passions & share them with people who'll run with us--even without a spiderman suit that looks like ours. They just need your fuel...your overflowing cup to drink from. Otherwise, we are bored.

What is your Spiderman suit? Go ahead, try it on again.

Invasion of the Candy Snatcher

I chose a long time ago to entrust Jesus with my greatest desires--let's equate this to a BIG bowl of candy (all my favorite kinds...Reese's, Swedish Fish...you get the idea). Candy is good to have, but only in the right time. If acquired/consumed too early, the goodness of the candy is lost & your nutritious dinner is spoiled (or so 'they' indoctrinated us). Maybe if you have too much of the good thing, you also end up with rotten teeth. Therefore, you hand over these desires (the bowl) to One who has your best interest at heart...One who'd never hold out on You, but wouldn't let you push past the boundaries that keep you well.

Well, I gave that bowl to the Lord and asked that He would guard it and bless me when He knew the time was right.

God is good, so He has. Only, He guards the bowl uniquely: you have the ability to access the contents. So, everyday, in word I say "Guard my candy" and yet, everyday, I walk up and try to snatch a few handfuls. Because He's good and because I asked, He has to pry my greedy, desperate fingers off the stem to get the lollipop back to the bowl. He knows what's best, and I know that, but my hunger overtakes me (or is it my impatience??) I must have what I want...and now! Like a child, I am unable to see how his prying my fingers is good. In fact, I'm downright angry at God. Why can't he just hide the freakin' bowl?! I blame Him for holding out on me. I point to the other kids who have candy and I wonder why God is being so cruel...then He reminds me that I gave Him my bowl; I ASKED Him to watch over it. Is that His fault?

I resolve to try to stop inflicting the pain on myself each day, and to sit back & trust that the Lord brings His goodness to match my deep desires in His perfect timing. In that way, I'll never get a toothache.

Man, that candy sure looks good though...