Brownie Bytes

I'm Moving!!

2011-03-20T21:24:00.001-05:00

Not houses. Blog spots. {sigh of relief for those that would miss me too much if I left town...}

After lots of thought, I have decided to expand my blog to allow for a more well-rounded picture of myself. Lots of posts that I had for Brownie Bytes didn't make the cut because they seemed too...trivial. I always felt that the Brownie 'bytes' had to be of a certain category ('And what would that be?' you probably wonder).

Well, now I want to break out of my self-defined cage and probably annoy some people with my ridiculousness. If you want to join me in that, head:

HERE--> Princess and the P

{The premise is a blog with my commentary on all aspects of life, annoyingly alliterated (is that a word?!) with the Letter P--and no, this is not Sesame Street}

If you are not so much into hearing my commentary, then let's part ways here old friend. But know that you will miss me. So when you do, go:

HERE

Love you all and thanks for reading my musings for the last half-decade. *gulp* I will keep this blog up and running for my own archival purposes, and so that I can laugh at my 25 year old self when I ranted about singleness. ha!

New address for future reference: www.princessandthe-p.blogspot.com

Blog Envy.

2011-02-04T12:55:00.001-06:00

I've been reading all kinds of blogs during this "Snowpocolypse 2011" and I have to say that the green-eyed monster has reared its ugly mug a time or two. I see all these precious stay at home moms/entrepreneurs/stylish crafty people and I confess, I wish that was my life sometimes. They have loads of blog traffic, ads & sponsors, cute DIY projects and monthly giveaways (I can't even afford to have a GET-away, much less a GIVE-away!)

In all of this, I have continued to come back to the thought that the Lord has made me uniquely...not to be like someone else, but to write and create from what I know; to write/create from my heart. After reminding myself of that, I managed to give ol' green-eyes the snow-boot.

So, since I'm too lame to host my own stuff, I'm gonna link you to a giveaway from another cute gal's blog (and selfishly, blogging about it enters me for a chance to win one of my favorite designer's poppy-licious flowers--look, I said my motives were selfish, all right?!)

Thanks for those who read my thoughts...even if it is only 4 of you. You are cherished all the same.

Here's the link to the AWESOME Emersonmade Giveaway via Samantha Cabrera

Either I'm old or I'm just lame

2011-01-01T19:06:00.000-06:00

I went to a New Year's Eve party last night and had a great time. As the night wore on, I started to get the sneaking suspicion that I was maybe the oldest person at the party. Or, I'm just lame. Here were 7 clues that got me thinking:

7. Most of the teachers I talked to were just starting to teach...I was wondering how I've lasted so long in this profession.

6. When a drink spilled, everyone just left it. My first thought was concern for the hardwood floor's finish. Thankfully, an older guy ran to clean it up. Perhaps we were on the same wavelength?

5. I was the only person quietly singing along to Morrissey before they changed it to the Cupid Shuffle.

4. I had to sit out of most of the "group" dances. I mean, it's not my fault that no one has taught me how to dougie...I'm still stuck on soulja boy.

3. When the Macarena came on (which, sadly I DID know), someone commented, "You guys remember this from our 6th grade dances?" My reply was, "Well, I remember it from my senior trip to Cancun, but yeah." Class of 96, holla!

2. I knew all the words to "Ice Ice Baby", which WAS actually from my 6th grade dances.

But this was the kicker:

1. When Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" came on, half the room groaned (though I was not one of them). As one girl was leaving the dance floor, she said to me, "That's OK, I don't like Bon Jovi anyway."

So much for staying relevant, huh?

Sandy in the Swing

2010-12-05T13:46:00.003-06:00

When I was in elementary school, there was this sweet friend of mine named Sandy. Now, I call her a sweet friend, but I have the sneaking suspicion that she took pity on me and let me tag along. I don't say that to sound pathetic, I just now see it through adult eyes and can interpret her actions through my lens of experience. You get the point...

Sandy was well-loved by all. Girls wanted to be her and boys wanted to be with her. Yes, even 3rd grade boys knew a good thing when they saw it. But, the funny part is that she wasn't super-cute. She was...average, but with tiny, buck teeth. But she had it all: money, confidence, sass, etc. and even the teachers loved her. Where am I going with this?

I wanted to know Sandy. Being on the periphery was not enough for me. If I couldn't BE her, I wanted to be right next to her. Even if it meant that I was more like her sidekick. Her shadow. I remember the day I went to get my hair cut in a bob--JUST LIKE SANDY--I told my mom, despite warnings that curly hair (mine) and straight hair (Sandy's) were two very different animals. And hey, it was the 80's...bobs were in, right? Wrong. I felt so luxurious as he chopped off my hair and razored it. He even straightened it to look JUST LIKE SANDY. Then I went home. You know how you always feel that you can never style it like they do in the salon? Well, that saying is a massive understatement in this here 'got-my-hair-cut-like-Sandy's-but-it-looks-more-like-Annies' story. The sun'll come out tomorrow indeed...and shine itself down on yo' fro that your mom warned you about. I didn't want to go to school--I didn't even want to look in a mirror (thus beginning a long, tumultuous relationship with my curls, but that's another story for another day).

Who cares about your 3rd grade hair anyway, Katie? You're 32. What gives?

The other day, I was having a little breakdown in front of my sister, so we prayed and asked the Lord where these intense feelings were coming from. Why was I so distraught over such a seemingly meaningless exchange? What came to mind was Sandy. A memory of her on the swings. I waited in line for her to get off her swing, so that I could have a turn. And finally, she did. She was OVER the swings. Her paparazzi asked, "what's next?" and she moved on to the slides. I jumped in the swing, but instead of enjoying it, I felt like I had just copied her. Like a SHADOW. I hate feeling like a shadow. Plus, the admirers had all deserted the area. So, I followed her to the slide...and you can guess what happened next, can't you? You bet. I turned into her shadow, always being mildly satisfied with her leftovers, but always hating myself for not getting there first. Ah, the beginning of female competition. yuck. What the Lord spoke to me in that memory was that I kept waiting for SANDY'S swing (talent, money, voice, personality) when I should've grabbed my OWN swing right next to her. If I swing my swing and stop competing with the Sandy's of the world (you know who I'm referring to: [insert that girl's name here]), I will not only glorify the One who gave me the talents & personality, but probably enjoy myself in the process. Plus, I would've saved myself the torture of a curly bob and even channeled 'The Birth of Venus' as a 3rd grader.

I was planning to write this blog last week when it happened, but so much has kept me from writing publicly lately. This very story is why...and then I happened upon Lauren Chandler's blog last night. I read one about 'Constructive Criticism' and found the courage to write again. I don't know Lauren, but after reading her writing, I sure do like her. And not in an 'I've-found-a-new-Sandy-at-32' way, I promise.

Her May 2007 blog 'Constructive Criticism' (in case you want to read it from the source)

I think it is time...

2010-07-18T20:46:00.000-05:00

to stop the 'only journaling privately' and start ~~ranting~~ blogging again. Just sayin.

My Date with Murphy ('s Law, that is...)

2009-08-25T22:57:00.001-05:00

How to start school off on the right foot:

5:45 Wake up; hit snooze a few times

6:15 Get up; go downstairs and make a smoothie and hot lemon water to take to work; running early instead of late for a change

6:45 Get ready without getting distracted by the description of the drug cocktail found in MJ’s dead body

7:00 Realize that an afro of curls is NOT the way a first grader should be introduced to his or her teacher

7-7:18 Tame the afro with high-powered CHI iron

7:18 Look down at watch and realize that I need to leave like 5 minutes ago

7:18-7:22 Race around like a madwoman...dressed and ready at last!

7:22 Pick up school bag with pertinent info and simultaneously pour the last half of my breakfast smoothie down my back, in my hair, and down in my bag...don't ask how, I still don't know

7:25 Wonder why my back is wet; Scream and panic and rip off clothes; throw them to bewildered mom standing nearby in confusion

7:28 Clothing set #2...wouldn’t have chosen this for the first day, but oh well. It is sans smoothie, so it’ll do. Glad I did laundry yesterday.

7:28-7:40 Speed up I-35 and pray that God will overlook this law-breaking just this once

7:40 Yay...Denton. Uh-oh, a bit of traffic on my normal route

7:41 Go back way--or, as some would call, a shortcut

7:42-7:48 Stuck in school traffic; finally arrive in school parking lot...I’m gonna make it before the kids get there at 7:50! Yay!

7:48-7:52 No, I’m not. Everyone and their dog has come to drop their kids off and walk in. People are parking in the grass. I circle like a vulture. I cut people off. The fire lane will just have to do for now.

7:53 Sprint for the doors...realize keys are in other clothes

7:56 Knock on doors until Assistant Principal sees me and walks to let me in; tears welling in my eyeballs

7:57 Keys tossed to Assistant principal, who becomes my valet service and goes to park my messy car (he claims later to wanting to clean up my many straw wrappers from Sonic). What a guy!

7:58 Arrive in my classroom to greet kids already working; parents hovering in their child’s ‘teacher-less’ classroom; apologies handed out like candy; wondered if I might have cut one of them off in the parking lot. oops.

7:59 Pictures snapped...hope the sweat rings didn’t show in this child’s keepsake

8:00 Set of parents ask if I am single and offer to set me up as I greet more children; I laugh and wipe the sweat off my forehead...is it awkward in here or is it just me?

8:01 Doors closed and kids smile...I share what happened and we all laugh; they know I’m not playing when I say ‘if you are having a rough morning, I understand’

Glad they do too. Happy first day of school.

Note to self: tomorrow...no smoothie.

Tryin New Things

2009-08-11T09:46:00.002-05:00

This is a test post from e-mail...cool!

Coldplay Like God (Great Expectations)

2008-11-21T18:42:00.004-06:00

As I was sitting at Coldplay, I realized that they were like God. Wait, before you question whether or not I’m pulling my golden calf out of the furnace, hear me out.

When I went to see Coldplay for the first time a few weeks ago, I was expectant but had no idea what those expectations looked like. I knew it would be good, but I didn’t know HOW good. My seats were perfect too. I had a perfect view of the stage, great acoustics, and they even came out from the stage to the tier right below me. I had paid 2nd tier prices for 8th row seats (well, for at least 2 songs)  A-mazing…I almost cried at one point. I can’t even explain the emotion I felt because of my life situation at that moment. I was with one of my best friends, away from work (destressed), and in sunny Florida sharing space with Chris Martin. Does it get better??

Well, if one show is good, isn’t a 2nd show better? That was my mindset as I bought one lonely ticket to the Dallas show for that next week (that was all they had left, I might add). I fought traffic solo, parked, bundled up in the wind, and braced myself for the hike to my nosebleed seats that I swear were situated in the Himalayas. In fact, I was in what I call the “echo nook” of the AAC—it trapped all the echoes and bounced them back and forth like a game of “keep away.” Only, I was the sad little kid in the middle. Not good. I certainly enjoyed the performance, but I honestly felt a little slighted. At one point I thought, “I’m sure glad I had Orlando because I know they sound better than this (and for the record, it was still phenomenal). I kind of felt sorry for the folks who experienced Coldplay like that. I watched as some walked out early and others left to use the bathroom in the middle of ‘Fix You’ (what?!) Part of me wanted to stop them and start explaining how amazing it could be. What good would that do? It doesn’t change their experience…but it also doesn’t change the truth that Coldplay is much better than this. It was all a matter of distorted experience and circumstance.

THAT is when I realized how much this is like my feelings toward the LORD. How often do I come to Him with a plan already mapped out, expectantly waiting for Him to “recreate” His 1st performance by my standards. But, by the nature of location and emotional circumstance, it is never what I expect (even if it was the exact plan I’d had—it wouldn’t meet my precise expectations). Just as a music note travels a different path in a different venue, so God cannot be measured or calculated. We can never guess the mind and plan of the LORD.

Even when my experience with Him tells me that He “let me down” or failed my great expectations, it doesn’t change the Universal Truth of His promises or how magnificent He is. He makes no apology for where you are sitting—how close or far depends on you. If you put yourself in a nosebleed echo chamber, the fault is not His. That same dissonance you hear from there is a spine-tingling masterpiece to those in correct proximity. God designed you to sit on the front row of creation; Himself, center stage. That scenario is the best, but certainly not the only one. I often feel the need to “explain Jesus” to people (or really, stick up for Him), as if He needs ME as His PR person [insert belly laugh here].

I believe I need to keep myself in the front row and allow Him to blow my mind instead of trying to recreate 2nd rate, calculated experiences full of human expectation. I also feel I should start pulling people from the rafters and offer the front row ticket Jesus bought with His life. They need only to pick it up at ‘will call’…

My Birthday Gift

2008-06-10T23:50:00.002-05:00

I am turning 30 in a just a few weeks, and I am pretty excited! 29 has been awesome and I fully expect 30 to be even better (or so I've heard...). But, I really love presents and today I think I got the best one of all:

I was sitting with my little high school campers that are in my small group for the Texas Governor's School at UNT. Two "college" guys came and sat down and started chatting. They were complete morons and one of my kids even said, "They remind me of Superbad. All we would need is McLovin'!" (I laughed hysterically here)

They were 'enlightening' us on the joys of college life such as drinking and sex and how it will be awesome for us if we would do those things when we finally get to college. I turned to my little teens and said, "I beg to differ...I think you can do the exact opposite and have an amazing experience." The guys looked confused and said, "Oh, are you a college student?"

"No, I am actually 30." To my delight, they almost fell out of their chairs and said, "We thought you were in high school...we thought you were one of them!"

While it doesn't change the fact that I am turning 30 (which I honestly don't mind), it is good to know that I may need to keep my ID handy--not just for drinks, but maybe for R-rated movies as well!

Ps. About four hours after that, I spent the evening in the ER with symptoms of a heart attack. Turns out to be grief-related anxiety I think, so no worries. However, it somewhat took the wind out of my "high school" sails.

The Dreaded Purple Pen

2008-02-26T20:08:00.002-06:00

Today I'm using a purple pen...and I don't like it. In fact, I've been downright resisting its use. It comes right to the fact that I don't accept change very easily. I will do it, but I find my heart tends to hold a grudge for a bit, remembering the good 'ole days of black ink. Even small things such as the color of my words gets me in a state of fear...where will it end? Who will see to it that I get my recognition? How will I feel when this new change takes affect??

I also feel sometimes it is related to my control (or lack thereof). When change happens, you are usually forced to deal...and I can't really say "forcing" is the best way to get Katie Brown to do anything. Flowers...yes. Kind words, flattery...sure. Reason...absolutely. Dragging...not so much.

I guess what I realize is that if I don't switch to purple ink sometimes, my words will become merely an indentation on a page--an embossing of my thoughts--because sometimes the black ink runs out whether you like it or not.

What to do when you have the flu...

2008-01-09T10:05:00.001-06:00

As I was taking a break from sleeping by sitting on my couch this morning, the sunlight broke through the blinds, creating a streak across my sightline. There in the light, I saw a “fuzzy” floating through the air—dainty and graceful. I have a weird fascination with “little things” and my friends all know that to be true. Something about it made me want to grab the little fuzzy. I’m not sure why…I don’t even know what I would’ve done with it if I had captured it anyway. Regardless, my instinct was to reach out and grab what I wanted. Like a child, I let desire overcome logic and just as I pinched it, the force of the air pushed it away from my grip. I admit to being a little sad that it floated away (okay, before you judge, know that I am recovering from a self-diagnosed flu and have nothing better to do than sleep and watch “fuzzies” float through the air!). What I realized (as I often do) is how much of a life comparison that is for humans.

If we want something, we are taught to “go for it” or “go get it”—strive, work, toil for it. That makes sense for some things, but I don’t think it always bodes well for things of the heart: desires, dreams, hopes. Not that I am advocating sitting on our behinds doing nothing, but I wonder how much more joy we would have it we would hold out our extended, open palm (work to get ourselves ready and in position for blessing) and then wait for the floating fuzzy to gracefully land on our hand (allow God to bless the work we’ve done in whatever way He chooses).

I’ve noticed that the more I strive in my own desire for things, the more it repels from my grasp—much like the dancing fuzzball. If I trust and allow God to work with my open fingers by laying my desires, requests, hopes and dreams before Him, stuff just seems to work out for the best, you know? I hope this makes sense, as I may just realize I’m writing gibberish when I fully recover from “medicine head.”

The Lost Hair

2007-12-30T23:41:00.000-06:00

So, confession...I struggle with boys. There, I said it. If I find one of them attractive in ANY way, I am tongue tied and unable to be myself. Then, I sit back and watch as something about them disappoints me, and suddenly, I am free to be me. Do you see the dilemma?? I am free to be me...who cares about being you if you don't want them to notice anymore? It's wild really. My "head" is too active in the process and I struggle with the faith to continue to believe that God works ridiculously through us, around us, beside us, and without us.

A few months ago, I realized that faith is most certainly a gift from God, for it comes on so suddenly. But, how do we "lose" it?? This had been my week: I had lost faith in God's goodness with guys on Monday. Manhood and marriage for me was hopelessly drowning in a sea of mediocrity and cowardice...until Tuesday. Then, just as I felt I couldn't believe because I did not see "manhood," I realized I should renounce Christ altogether. **Don't freak...I didn't...stay with me here on the logic** Is it not ALL faith: one body, one mind, one Lord? If I doubt the part, I must doubt the whole. There is so much to my saving faith that doesn't involve sight that I realized how ridiculous it seems that I couldn't trust Him for much smaller (dare I say, easier?) things in my heart and life. By Wedenesday, I knew how important that realization had been because my faith in love & manhood (well, more God's goodness) had returned completely. What a gift! (meaning: given to me; not acquired on my own)

Sight cannot bring faith--it merely confirms or refutes the past. It is not an indicator even of what is to come. I am such a formula person, that faith irritates me--life appears random & irrational and I struggle to have faith without unbending expectations. How do you hope for something unseen & then not feel disappointed when the light reveals the actual? When this relates to loving a person, I'm a hopeless romantic. Or, wait, maybe romantically hopeless...

Right now, you are probably thinking, "Nice post, Katie, but what the crap does this have to do with the title, 'The Lost Hair'??" In my mind, it seems only routine to lose faith, like strands of hair--natural, daily, unnoticeable to the whole unless you are forced to look at the lost pieces--leaving room for stronger, more plentiful, growth-hungry hair.

When faith is lost through reason, it seems only faith can bring it back. When it does, your faith seems more reasonable. You trackin'?

My Spiderman Suit

2007-12-04T18:09:00.000-06:00

I wrote this in my journal in September, but it was coming back to my mind--so, I thought I'd write it down officially (I guess others reading it makes it 'official' in my mind):

While driving home after an exhausting week, I turn the corner near my apartment complex to find Spiderman and his friend chasing a teasing bunch of balloons. Well, it wasn't really Spiderman, but the cutest little kid decked out head-to-toe in a long-sleeve pant suit--spinning and running wildly in the blazing heat. He seemed not to care--the colorful balloons were the object of his attention. I was struck by how odd this was...not because kids were playing, but because we as adults have lost that. At some point, that excitement leaves us and fatigue or boredom takes over. That little kid woke up too early, raced off to school (his 'work'), worked for 7 hours, played 20 minutes of that 7 hours, then was herded out to his car to go home. Can you imagine the scene as he races to his bedroom to change into his Spiderman sauna suit? He'll spend another 3-4 hours playing his heart out, passion sustaining him--with a like-minded friend at his side. I was jealous...

My first thought was: what is my Spiderman suit? What passion do I have that would make me continue to burn the energy after my day job? At that point, I realized what my passions are and how often I don't do anything about them. But, that little boy showed me the importance of going full speed ahead toward something you love after working each day. We need to race home, pursue our passions & share them with people who'll run with us--even without a spiderman suit that looks like ours. They just need your fuel...your overflowing cup to drink from. Otherwise, we are bored.

What is your Spiderman suit? Go ahead, try it on again.

Invasion of the Candy Snatcher

2007-11-18T22:20:00.000-06:00

I chose a long time ago to entrust Jesus with my greatest desires--let's equate this to a BIG bowl of candy (all my favorite kinds...Reese's, Swedish Fish...you get the idea). Candy is good to have, but only in the right time. If acquired/consumed too early, the goodness of the candy is lost & your nutritious dinner is spoiled (or so 'they' indoctrinated us). Maybe if you have too much of the good thing, you also end up with rotten teeth. Therefore, you hand over these desires (the bowl) to One who has your best interest at heart...One who'd never hold out on You, but wouldn't let you push past the boundaries that keep you well.

Well, I gave that bowl to the Lord and asked that He would guard it and bless me when He knew the time was right.

God is good, so He has. Only, He guards the bowl uniquely: you have the ability to access the contents. So, everyday, in word I say "Guard my candy" and yet, everyday, I walk up and try to snatch a few handfuls. Because He's good and because I asked, He has to pry my greedy, desperate fingers off the stem to get the lollipop back to the bowl. He knows what's best, and I know that, but my hunger overtakes me (or is it my impatience??) I must have what I want...and now! Like a child, I am unable to see how his prying my fingers is good. In fact, I'm downright angry at God. Why can't he just hide the freakin' bowl?! I blame Him for holding out on me. I point to the other kids who have candy and I wonder why God is being so cruel...then He reminds me that I gave Him my bowl; I ASKED Him to watch over it. Is that His fault?

I resolve to try to stop inflicting the pain on myself each day, and to sit back & trust that the Lord brings His goodness to match my deep desires in His perfect timing. In that way, I'll never get a toothache.

Man, that candy sure looks good though...

Are we all 8 legged freaks??

2007-10-21T16:24:00.000-05:00

Well, my tarantula and I have a love/hate type of bond--I love watching her, I hate doing just about anything else--opening the cage, feeding her, thinking about holding her, etc.

So, you can imagine my surprise at my own attachment to her when I glanced by her cage to find her belly up, listless, all 8 legs reaching for heaven, while laying in a little self-spun web "grave" cradle. I thought, "How sad, this gives new meaning to the phrase: 'Make your bed and lie in it.' She made her own little resting place."

My heart sank at the thought of Princess exiting the world--not just because I'd have to spend $25 for her replacement--but because, in some small way, we bonded. Not that she ever crawled on me or cuddled, but life in any form connects with life--a dependent on you becomes close no matter what the species (especially considering my extreme fear of arachnids). I pondered a little funeral & decided to check online at the appropriate grieving process for a spider owner. This was new to me...

Well, I'm glad I checked or Princess would've wondered why she was trapped in a shoebox underground when she came to strength from MOLTING. What an amazing process--they fast, then make themselves completely vulnerable by laying on their backs, "unzip" their exoskeleton to make room to grow (the new body already underneath), pump fluid to remove the old body, and emerge as a delicate, shiny, vulnerable, and most importantly, "more adult" like spider.

As a nerd and a teacher, I captured it all on video clips and I sat in awe at God's process for tarantulas. With fascination mounting, I wondered at the growth process for human hearts. Are we any different?? Just like all spiders know how to do this instinctively, I feel that we humans do some of the same things, if we are willing to grow. What growth does not happen without a little vulnerability toward God--you choose to spin the cradle and lie in it, belly up...or not. (Although I believe you end up on your back at some point whether you choose to have a cushiony preparation or a hard landing...) At that point, you experience the process of shedding old ideals, convictions, heart strings, and habits. The real (new & improved and ever so slightly more "adult-like") you is revealed in its fresh glory. Recovery time is important as new ways are challenged by old mechanisms, leaving you vulnerable until convictions strengthen and your heart resolves the growth by God's grace.

There are shreds of evidence that a spider is about to molt...dull color, missing hairs on the abdomen, etc. as it prepares to grow. I believe the same for a human heart. Sometimes things seem the lowest right before they begin to ascend. And here I thought my little Princess just had the mange...

Reflections

2007-10-09T21:14:00.000-05:00

I've had some weird experiences regarding memories of my dad, and I have been thinking alot about him. This summer, I was reading Harry Potter: Book 7 (awesome, BTW) and remember writing about my dad. I revisited this entry today and thought I'd share...

There is a part of [Harry Potter] I truly identify with. When he is around others who want to understand but can't...when he thinks about [his deceased parents] often, but feels angry and guilty at times. Some part of you is torn apart when you lose a parent--the part of you that looks like them is lost...but your reflection in the mirror is your living reminder of who they were in a breathing body...good and bad morphs together, blurred, and you have faint memories of what you ought to loathe, but can't...the good blurred in like words on the tip of your tongue...barely there, but your sub-conscious mind has a hold of them... you long for more moments with them, but know that new knowledge only comes with others who knew their past-tense--a person you never knew...like they are describing a stranger who was supposed to have birthed you. The feeling is unreal, really...unable to be put in words, but understood, from one orphan to another, an unspoken bond that allows you to relax a little, knowing that they "get" you without words...a sign of relief from having to pretend you are "over" their death. Truth be told, you are never "over" losing a parent (or anyone, for that matter)...all the days of your life, you grieve the lost moments of the future as you stare at them in the mirror.

My Hol(e)y Cloak

2007-10-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

Just some more thoughts from my journaling this summer:

I realize my faith is in the process of "becoming real." When I first came to you, God, it is like other Christians handed me a well-meaning cloak of righteousness. Designed to cover all the ugly roots growing out of me, I was thrilled to wear it. In fact, I took pride in how it looked on me, forgetting what it was covering. Over time though, in moments of stress, fatigue, trial...those roots (which had been growing faithfully) started peeking through.

Frantically, I tried to cover them with the tail of my cloak, or I would go to another conference and earn a "patch" for my cloak. More pride swelled from the "out of sight, out of mind" righteousness. Then, I realized the roots had grown out so far, they could no longer be concealed. I couldn't hide behind quiet times, Christian checklists, scripture memory, Christian lingo, a 'gold star' perfect attendance record at church, or leading others.

It was time for the cloak to be ripped off. In one fell swoop, frustration and feeling fake prompted the revealing motion, and my ugly roots scared every Christian who still proudly wore their cloaks. Only Jesus was smiling--well, so were the former 'cloak wearers' who had mustered the courage to face the process of root pulling (I think it is a favorite pasttime of the Lord's, by the way!) And so begins the process of my faith "becoming real," as Jesus asks me to bring each ugly thing before Him and request the divine help to uproot it. Then, and only then, can I help You [Jesus] heal others as their roots are ripped out.

I then gave my tattered cloak to CCA...just kidding. I burned it with holy fire...

On the Wheel

2007-07-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

When I was in Chicago this summer, it seemed as though there was a nice little heat wave for a few days. Then, the day I decided to go to Navy Pier, cold wind started to blow. I went anyway and I'm glad I did. Sometimes, reality hits you like a brick...

I got on the Navy Pier ferris wheel with nervousness and anticipation as the wind was whipping through the crossbars. Did I mention I am pretty scared of heights? I try to face that fear any chance I get, but the fear remains. I got in the car which I had to close the doors on because the worker was chatting and missed securing me in. That instills confidence! :p As I started up, the view was breathtaking--skyline, water, people--just gorgeous. Around the top, I noticed my car wasn't moving.

Panic set in as the wind rocked my car back and forth. Sweat began appearing as I pictured a mechanical problem. This ferris wheel is continuous--it is not supposed to stop. The fear of plummeting started to take over. I breathed short prayers and gripped the sides with my sweaty hands to secure what I felt I could secure. I sat like that for a long minute when I felt the whisper of God, "Turn around and look."

Slowly (as if any sudden movement would detach my car from the railing) I turned around to find we had been moving the whole time--the car is attached to the spokes, so you aren't able to have a stable focal point besides the sky. Peace rushed over me as reality dissolved my fear. My anxiety was perception-driven, not based on reality.

How much of life is faith in God's goodness!? Sometimes it is a matter of ignoring how circumstances are creating a false reality. God's truth and promises are like the breath that says, "Turn around and look"; "Take your eyes off of the perception and drink the dose of reality." Peace is instantaneous and bitterness can't take root when truth dwells in a heart.

"Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage...Yes, wait for the Lord..."

The Last Crayon Standing?

2007-07-04T12:33:00.000-05:00

My friend and I were talking in one of our late night sessions that we always do when we visit twice a year, and some of these thoughts were sparked from that conversation.

I wrote this to expound on her comment and this journal entry is regarding the feeling that many "aging" Christian women have toward singleness, pickiness vs. standards, and the like...

She mentioned that she felt like the odd color in a box of crayons. You all start out in the same box--uniform shape and representing all the colors of the rainbow. Then, as each one chooses his favorite color, you develop emptiness around you...a void in the crayon box. The popular colors are snatched up--red, blue, green. But, you are the obscure one, different from the rest. You are "violet red"--on the surface you look like regular red--like the others. But, when you put your vibrant color to the paper, you represent more than your surface shows. You are really more purple, so you are put back, because they really wanted just plain red.

The world of men (even Christian ones) seem to want red, but you are more complex than that. Your standards--following Jesus--makes you more violet (but not purple), therefore a rarity in the crayon box. It takes patience and confidence to keep standing proud of your color as the space in your crayon box grows with time.

Disclaimer: This is not a complaint, merely an observation from the collective whole of women I speak to all over the world.

The word Holiness looks a lot like Loneliness

2007-07-03T21:28:00.000-05:00

I have been journaling a lot on my travels and have been thinking about my views on life, my walk with Jesus and other mind boggling thoughts. I will post a few of these journal entries in the next few days/weeks (depending on how together I am). :) This was the first "realization" that stemmed out of my spring/summer this year and a dear friend helped me crystalize it before she left this summer...

My Christian life (I'm going on a 10 year anniversary now) has certain "rules" that keep me from doing things that I know I don't desire--God never put them there specifically, but they stemmed from my understanding of "walking uprightly". They are good when followed with the right intentions. I am not advocating cheap grace, but only true dependence on a real God. Well, this year, these "rules" I had created over the past 10 years started becoming a noose around my neck. One move in any direction and the life was strangled out of me...I know that is dramatic but literally how I felt. I saw my self-righteousness and it was like looking at an ugly picture of myself--barely recognizable, but definitely me. How did it get like this?? I thought I was following Christ...

I prayed for humility in certain self-righteous areas and God is quick to answer that prayer (praise Him for that). Here is the start of my journal entry in response...

I love that you showed me that my "rules" were first created by me at a time when I was close to sin, rather than far from it. Purity was purposefully protected because I saw my potential for botching it all up, not because I was so amazing and put together. Therefore, it wasn't legalism then. But, somehow it morphed. Somewhere it twisted--in my own mind--to a set of guidelines that I felt made me "better," more evolved in my faith. Really, it just stunted my belief in You [Jesus]. I no longer needed Your [God's] grace--I coasted on my own synthetic version of it...a 30 minute quiet time here, a conference there, like a 10-year anniversary pin to keep me thinking I was on the right track. Thank You for de-railing my rule-bound train--it was headed for a mountain of loneliness that I had misread for "holiness." Holiness is not walking to a set of rules that make you look good--it is walking with a compass that points to the face and heart of Jesus. May I only look at my True North. Thank you again for humbling me in this area. I want never again to build another self-sufficient railway where I travel in a lonely car of bitterness.

I miss him...

2007-06-10T20:43:00.001-05:00

So, today is the 7 year anniversary (is that what you would call it??) of my dad passing away...I miss him always but am reminded more on this day.

Thanks to all my great friends who remembered and gave me hugs and flowers...I love all of you!

House of Mirrors

2007-06-06T16:11:00.000-05:00

I was reflecting (and by that I mean crying) the other day, and I realized that my life has felt a bit like a house of mirrors...

At first, it is so intriguing to lose yourself in all the chaos. Your mind tricked and teased into which reflection is actually you. As you move through, you become increasingly engrossed in the peculiarity of the experience. As you get lost in the hundreds of angles, panic starts to set in. You sweat slightly at the thought that you may be lost--not forever, even if just for a moment--you laugh nervously at how such a childish endeavor has turned you upside down.

As time passes, confusion sets in as you question where "you" ends and reflections begin; the lines blur between reality and created illusion. "You" (flesh & bone, soul & spirit) are lost. Or, maybe just fragmented; pieces of you scattered down an eternal pathway in view.

The only way to be grounded is to have the sense to step out into the Sun; fresh air...breathe; take in the wholeness of yourself; gathering the pieces of who you are in an instant. "You" are found. Sometimes we have to be fragmented and confused to appreciate our wholeness again.

Magnetic People: God is a Mad Scientist

2007-05-27T18:06:00.000-05:00

In my many conversations with people in my life, I am continually reminded of the natural laws at work in our universe. One of those laws is the fact that God is not under them. I love that and hate it at the same time. As we were discussing one-sided attraction, my friend said she feels like God is a mad scientist sometimes, using a chemistry set that is out of this world. I started thinking how true this FEELS (with the emphasis on feelings, because I know He is GOOD). Sometimes it seems that just when you have it all figured out, God bends the rules or makes them work for His end product, rather than what you thought He had planned. It becomes hard as a rule-bound human to manuever in the Creator's laboratory. He has no formula that makes sense to us, no natural law it seems (or He breaks it for our good constantly), but He is gloriously correct in His calcualations. HIS formulas arrive at all the best and most favorable conclusions. He is not crossing His fingers, hiding behind His lab coat, and hoping that it all works out. But it sure does FEEL that way often in my life and in the lives of those I connect with.

I have seen this over and over with what I call "magnetic people": I am talking about those people that usually have a group of people surrounding them, wanting to be known and held dear, waiting to be included. These are the people that, when they don't include you (for whatever reason), you have to fight off feelings of worthlessness--even though 5 others invited you to the same thing--THEY didn't. I am sure you know who I mean...we all have some we encounter.

I am very analytical and I have spent several Starbucks times thinking about why this exists and what it looks like. I wrote this in my journal in April, but I am just now getting to write it down:

I feel magnetism is like a combo of intensity mixed with and opposed by aloofness. A tricky combination, like an elusive butterfly. You are initially stunned by its beauty or intrigued by its abrupt entrance into your life. It lands on you, kisses your nose, touches down, tickles your arm and heart, flatters your senses--you breathe in the fragrance it carries; drinking its presence until you are almost drunk with delight. Just as you get your fill of intoxication and grab for more--desiring to harness its beauty, cage it somehow--it slips through your desperate fingers as it flies on to another, leaving you vulnerable, hungover, needy, stripped bare...like an emotional one night stand. Your friends that are available and constant, there to catch you in your drunken stupor. Lean on them...their availability and stablility will be your blanket & hot cup of coffee after being stuck in a torrential downpour: security, love, warmth, true intimacy.

And the next time the butterfly returns to delight your world, let it land--but with the security, intelligence & maturity of an adult who knows that a butterfly is most beautiful when it is free and would be crushed or frantic in the hands of its captor. Unlike a child who seeks to gratify desires, we know better to stand back and admire an elusive creature, smile a little, and then return to life as usual...blessed by the account, yet immune to its intoxicating effect.

I Wanna Ride the Stickhorse

2007-03-08T20:15:00.000-06:00

Why, you ask? It was something that I was thinking about during our Kindergarten Rodeo Day last Friday. It is interesting how everything you need to know you REALLY did learn in Kindergarten (or should've...).

We had 6 super sweet rodeo stations including: potato sack races, pin the star on the sheriff, sidewalk chalk/bathroom break, lasso the chair, horshoes, and stickhorse relay. My kids were wicked excited--with the emphasis on wicked--and we were off to have a load o' fun, at the expense of my energy and vocals.

While we were at the stickhorse relay, I learned a major life lesson. About 4 or 5 kids were standing in the back of the line peering over to the next station, lassoing, but they had been the same ones who strained to watch the stickhorse relay while doing potato sack relay. Only, they never got to experience the stickhorse because of their "forward thinking". And, whadduyah know, they didn't get to enjoy lassoing because they were already playing with the sidewalk chalk in their minds--and so on...

About 2 or 3 kids were timidly watching the stickhorse relay and when prompted, said, "No, I'll just watch--I feel silly/scared..." They never experienced the fun because of fear.

Then, the rest of the class went buck wild on the stickhorse. They participated the fake head right off of the horse. Poor guy had to be taped on three times due to extreme enthusiasm. Some kids even slapped their imaginary horse as if they truly BELIEVED it would help them "ride faster" (not realizing that it was their tiny legs that brought them around the tree and back). I realized then how often I am the kid in the back, checking out what could be better in the future--only, I'm missing out everytime because there is always a "future" something. Then I questioned how often I was the fearful one who watched others participate, while growing ripe with jealousy and thoughts such as, "If only I had this or that, THEN I could...(you fill in the blank)."

What I really want to be is the group in the races who neither noticed anyone else nor cared of the future events--they sold out to the moment. All there; present. I wanna ride the stickhorse...

Thirsty?

2006-12-07T21:56:00.000-06:00

Just as I had begun to pray tonight, I caught something moving in the corner of my eye. It was startling to me because it was the wilted plant that I had earlier watered. I have always wondered if you could "see" a plant get refreshed, much like watching the hands of a clock--mysteriously they pass time without your notice, although you are aware of their constancy. I had the same thought about my little plant. It is cramped in a too-small pot that I have been "meaning" to get around to re-potting, and it has been gracious with my neglect. It seems to mirror my days when I come home: perky, but with a few damaged leaves; wilted and sagging; alive and bright green (not that I'm bright green...); somewhere in between...

Tonight it was completely wilted. How does it get there that fast? This morning it seemed fresh and didn't seem to need my attention. Why do some days seem to suck the life right out of it while other times it seems that it lives for weeks on a drop of water? Maybe at this point you are wondering why I am rambling about a houseplant...or why I keep using the word "seems"...

It is a spiritual parallel to me tonight--as most mundane things seem to be to me. What I realized as I watched the leaves "jump" around, drinking in the life-giving water, is how quick the plant responded to my care. It didn't sag around for hours after I watered it...no, it started returning to its natural state as if I had never missed a beat. How true this is to my relationship with the Lord. Or, rather, how I want it to be. Some days seem to take the life right out of me and I want to come to Him for the life-giving water...but I don't want to wallow in the misery of my situations. I want to immediately respond to this quenching. And, I realized tonight that the longer the plant goes without its soul food, the longer it takes to perk back up. And, really, after that amount of time, it never fully returns to "normal".

That, in a nutshell, is the point of why I am rambling about my houseplant...

Anonymous Joy

2006-12-04T23:13:00.000-06:00

So I get home today to find anonymous flowers on my doorstep...thank you to the person who put them there. It means a great deal after the day I had...

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

2006-11-28T21:12:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I went paintballing (is that even a word?--oh, well, it is now). I was so nervous at first and I felt like a wuss...of course, not many people welcome the thought of tiny marbles being shot at your tender skin from an aggressive church-goer.

Well, I am so glad I went! It was awesome...again, apart from the marbles being blown at you through a gun. Seriously, the pain wasn't that bad and it only lasted a second (for most) and it was worth a 3 hour hunt to shoot down some of your closest friends. I found myself to be super cautious and I stayed "hunkered

behind a bunker" (as James says it in a hick accent). My strategy payed off, however, as I did manage to outlast all the competitors in one game. Yay...something should be said for those who "watch and wait". It was cool to see people take risks and come alive in that, too. I just came alive in a different way...

I hope to go again soon, but I think I should wait until my paintball "wound" officially heals...

Sweet Wendy

2006-11-06T14:20:00.000-06:00

A friend from high school passed away in October and I went to her funeral this past Saturday. She would've been 28 this month, but she struggled with a rare form of childhood cancer and was finally taken home to be with Jesus.

Honestly, I hadn't talked to her since high school, but I knew she had gone to New York to pursue acting/modeling. She was doing fairly well up there until her brain tumor came back this year.

One thing that I was so encouraged by at her funeral was her ability to laugh at life and to take every moment like it was her last. She always seemed to live this way. I guess when you are almost taken at 12 years old and then get a chance to keep living, you think that way. But, it is foreign to me. I complain an awful lot and I don't pursue all the dreams that are in my heart because I keep thinking I will do some of them "later". There may not be a "later".

It is weird to sit in a room and see someone your age laying lifeless in front of you--sobering even. She had put together a scrapbook that chronicled her last months on earth and it was chilling. She had included journal entries, photos, quotes, bible verses, and prayers to the Lord to take the pain away. She had so much faith and belief in the goodness of God and I cried as I read her last page of the scrapbook. Scribbled out in her own weak handwriting, read,"This may be the last thing that I ever write..."

We'll miss you, Wendy Brantley. I'm so glad I knew her...

Great Expectations

2006-10-10T21:34:00.000-05:00

I've been participating in a Bible discussion group for the past couple of weeks with a few of my favorite people--people whose faith I admire and desire to emulate as a believer myself. All for different reasons, I see such a strength in each of them that I long to have myself, so it has been awesome for me to listen in, interpret, chew on, and even throw in my own thoughts. One of the things we are encouraging is "asking the hard questions of the faith". I love that and it has led to some great personal dialogue with the Lord. Here are a few thoughts from my mind trying to wrap around some of these concepts that theologians have fought over for centuries (yeah, I know...I don't think our little group expects to figure it out, just voice it all :oP )

From my journal last week (regarding the topic of praying specifically vs. generally):
"I enjoyed our Bible discussion and I admitted to fearing the thought of asking the hard questions of faith in fear that if I get no answer from You, Lord, my disappointment will be greater because I expected of you. If I expect nothing [meaning I wasn't in line with God's will for a situation], and I get nothing, then I am not surprised. If I get something, it is a blessing from You. It is hard to argue with You and yet speak to You in the proper "You-owe-me-no-answers-at-all" attitude. Can I do both?

Prayer for me looks a little like this math formula at times:
expect nothing + get nothing=no surprise
expect nothing + get something (in line with the will of God for a situation)=blessing
expect something + get nothing=disappointment
expect something + get something=lucky break that I tapped into the will of God for that
situation
So, pray specifically or gloss-over-general?"

Anybody else feel this way at times?

Leagues

2006-09-23T16:10:00.000-05:00

The topic of "Leagues" came up in my homegroup the other night and I thought it was super interesting. I have always wondered what boys think about a girl "being out of their league" and vice versa, so I ask boys all the time what their thoughts are on it. I guess I am just surprised how many people think they could never date someone because they are "out of their league".

I guess I don't really agree...I never have. I'm not saying that people will always be attracted to everyone (that, I know for sure, is not true), but I think "leagues" have a lot more to do with confidence than attractiveness. Case in point: there are plenty of popular people who are unattractive to most (ex: Mick Jagger--yum, not!) and there are tons of loners who are beautiful.

So, before you go out and ask that Hawaiian tropic model for her number and then blame me for her turning you down ("Katie said that leagues don't matter!"), hear me out. Signals and chemistry are still a must--I just think that you shouldn't rule out ANYONE before you've met them because you assume they'd never like you--you might be surprised. We see ourselves from such a warped lens and not everyone is tuned to that same frequency...sometimes they see the you that you try to hide from the world or they feel super comfortable around your quirkiness.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and arrogant because I feel I'm just as good as anybody else and I don't see any person on this earth as out of my league....

Anyone brave enough to share thoughts on this? :P

Today I got hit in the head...

2006-09-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

with a red crayon. My favorite little kid in my Kindergarten class threw it at top speed at my forehead. I think he will have a career in baseball...only he swears it was supposed to fly into my hand. Oh, okay. So maybe no career then--just a life of juvenile delinquency. It narrowly missed my blue eyes and I narrowly missed his throat as I attempted to strangle him. Jk...don't think I didn't consider it...

We've also had 3 poopie pants accidents in 2 days--2 from the crayola chunker if you can believe that stretch. Someone buy me a drink...or some valium (halfway joking)...

B-I-N-G-O

2006-09-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

Last night, I participated in an exhilarating event that makes your heart pound and your eyes water--Bingo. Down at the bingo hall, the smoky atmosphere calls you in, but be warned: it is harder than you think.

Imagine 3 college grads with quizzical faces and lots of laughter...that sets the stage for last night. Finally, we figured out how to play (don't laugh--YOU try it!) and had a blast. It is fast-paced, disappointing, hilarious, and it only lasts an hour. I have found my new hobby...kidding, kidding!

Seriously, it was funny to be having trouble "getting" the games and look over to see the 10 year old dabbing away with a diet coke in one hand and her ink dauber in the other!

Oh, Kindergarten

2006-08-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

This is the third week of teaching Kindergarten and I woke up this morning with a bit of drudgery. Some might call it depression.

By the end of the day today, I thought, 'What the heck was I thinking when I wanted to change grade levels last year??!!' I must have been smoking crack the day I made that decision.

I am hoping that it gets better, or I will be planning an early retirement...to a mental institution.

Did you know that 3 boys--all age 5--can get simultaneously sent to the office from the library? They were jumping off of chairs...um, more than once. Thankfully, I was not there or my early retirement might have been to a different kind of institution. LOL

The Picture I Could've Taken

2006-08-07T16:05:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, I went to see Kelly Clarkson in concert at Smirnoff in Dallas. It totally rocked and she has an amazing voice and show...

I didn't bring my camera in because I didn't know if I could and I left my phone in the car to make it stress-free inside. Sarah and I mosied to our seats and I think mine were some of the worst in the whole place. We were in seats, but out of the cool overhang that shields the sun and fans you. We were spitting distance from the lawn seats (which were like 20 dollars cheaper I might add) and on the very dead center aisle so that all the camera men and women blocked my view. We had to stand the whole time anyway because the lawn peeps kept standing in the aisle, so as you can tell, I had some of the worst seats. I was thankful that I didn't drag in my camera for this crap seat, let me tell ya.

Well, the show was incredible and she sang "Walk Away" as her final song before disappearing behind the curtain. Let me back up...by this time, the camera men had moved back some and set up barricades to COMPLETELY block my view of the stage, but I just listened to her sing without watching the show. So, as we are waiting for the encore song, people started leaving from my section and a few were moving in some. Sarah and I moved closer and boom! Up pops Kelly on a platform 3 feet from me. She said she wanted to give the crappy seat people a chance to be on front row (or something like that--I was still in shock). She sang "Breakaway" to us (or rather, the guy in front of me sang it to her...he actually distracted her by his loud voice and camera in her face) and then the concert was over. It was amazing! If I had my camera (I learned my lesson), this is the picture I would've taken...for now I'll just borrow someone else's picture who actually thought ahead.

A Life Remembered...in an Igloo

2006-07-21T22:40:00.000-05:00

I meant to write this on July 14--so back up a week in your mind as you read this post.

I drove to Mississippi alone this time to be with my grandparents and my aunt on what would've been my dad's birthday. It has been six years, but sometimes it is like it was yesterday. Only I've cried enough tears for it to be twenty. My job on this trip was to visit with the relatives and spend the day with my dad's sister on his birthday. This time of year is hard because July 15th (the day after) was the day her other brother died a few years ago. And last year, her final brother passed away as well.

So, my grandfather's wishes are to have all 3 of his sons buried with him, so it was my job this year to "pick out my dad's box" for his ashes. I was sure that I would be fine, seeing as how I cried an ocean of tears on the beach in Nice, France last year. Side note...Bastille Day in France shares the same date as my dad's birthday, so it felt wrong to celebrate last year on such an emotional day. It was a huge release. So, I was up for the task this year, especially if it meant that my grandfather didn't have to do it himself.

My aunt and I started the day by eating at the Carriage house of an antebellum home in Natchez, and I thoroughly enjoyed the Southern meal (you know...a fried green tomato, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, greens, buttered biscuits, custard with praline sauce, and a chocolate tart--yeah, it's alot of food). I then toured another antebellum home and it was my favorite that I have ever seen.

When we finally went to the funeral home, we asked the husky southern man if they had any boxes to hold ashes. He said, "We have urns." I said, "Well, we really don't need an urn, just a decorative box." He said, "Well, I'll tell ya what works waell...some people have used dem igloo ais (ice) containers ta hold ashes een (in)...they work really nais (nice) for dogs an' cats an' such..."

I shot a bewildered look at my aunt and she read the words before they had to grace my lips. I was thinking, "Should I tell him that this box is for my dad and not for Muffy the cat or should you?" My aunt plastered a huge smile on her face and held back her chuckle as she blurted out, "Thank you sir, we will look elsewhere. Have a nice day!" We got up to leave and you could tell he thought the world of himself, thinking he had just saved us a ton of time and money. It was downright hilarious! My aunt and I laughed for the rest of the day...it seemed appropriate on my dad's birthday.

He was one of the funniest people I have ever known...here's to a life remembered. (With or without the igloo ais chaest)

28...or 8?

2006-07-10T21:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I just celebrated my 28th birthday last week. It was good, but like any other day, I suppose. The main difference is that you don't have to feel guilty about wanting to be the center of attention. It's allowed (even encouraged without question or ridicule for this one 24 hour period)...

My sister has been in town and I haved loved every minute of it! I adore her and she "gets" me completely (she better, after 28 years!). She even made me my favorite cupcakes--strawberry cake and strawberry icing--for those who care to know. I felt like I was 8 again, actually.

But there is another reason why I felt 8 again instead of 28 and it all came rushing back to me when she came to town. For some reason, sisters so close in age bring a huge amount of insecurity with them. If you don't believe me...ask the group of women who have sisters that I have talked to lately . I am even considering starting a club--maybe we could call ourselves "Sisterhood of the Time Traveling Insecurity"--cuz that's how we feel. For those of you who have been hanging out with us, don't freak. It's not something you said or did--it's me and it's history. All the 8 year old competition comes back, rearing its ugly head to ruin our sisterhood and friendship. I fight and fight and I feel that the Lord protects my favorite relationship on earth, but I have to constantly fight for it nonetheless. I won't go into detail, but it stems from years of looking like someone, having a similar sense of humor, and having them shine in the areas where you are weak. It is a natural insecurity vacuum...I would even say inevitable. But, as I get older, it is almost harder to fight against and I'm not sure why. Anyway, as I was bawling my eyes out this week about it, the Lord spoke to my heart through a decal on a car window in front of me. Stay with me here...

The image was a semi-normal outstretched hand that was reaching toward me. As your eye traced up the arm, you noticed that the hand belonged to a faceless "devil" with a black crow on its shoulder. The image invoked a little fear, but mostly curiosity. Why didn't it have a face? The following is what I later wrote down in my journal about how God spoke into my insecurity:

"It was at this point that I realized what I have been following. By looking only at the hand of temptation [insert your own here--mine at the moment was insecurity, but could be something else on any given day], I failed to see who's hand it was that I was taking. I am walking right into the grasp of evil. He [the devil, Satan, evil...whatever you call him] does not snatch us up like we'd love to believe he does, but we willingly go. Taking his hand, we are easily led astray like a naiive child to a stranger dangling candy--a tangible representation of temptation. I always wonder how a child can be so blind to not see the danger. Am I any different? Only difference is that my stranger has many faces, but his spirit is a familiar one, almost like an old friend you know you should stay away from. Every new face of my old "friend" fools me because I look no further than his outstretched hand at that moment of weakness. Currently, I'm listening to Caedmon's Call's, 'We must dance, dance, dance...dance in God's honor/We must yield all our steps unto the King.'

I think this is the only way I can throw the candy back into the stranger's face...scream, and run away."

Anybody else feel this way?

Perspective

2006-05-03T17:33:00.000-05:00

I thought I would be more excited to post about Africa. Truth is...I'm not. No offense, but I almost feel that putting it into words will cheapen the experience somehow. It's like being really excited about how you got this new job and then going to tell a friend who, in the middle of your story, gets distracted and then never turns the conversation back to your story. Do you let it go and eat your disappointment? Or, do you bring it back up and watch them muster excitement for an already fading moment in time? Although no one has been like that with me (yet), I don't want a life-changing experience to receive that kind of homecoming.

And, I will have to do it Sunday for church. I have wrestled with what to say--in 3 1/2 minutes, no less--to a congregation of people who intellectually and spiritually know that the trip was awesome, but can't relate because there is no way to "be there" with us--despite an incredible movie (thanks, Piatt) and 600 pictures of mine (They are a week away from being posted online, comments and all). God did amazing stuff in Africa, but it wasn't because of me. Wow, pause for the deflation of my ego. In fact, I think I was on the Kenyans' "mission trip", if that makes sense. They amazed me daily and the more I read about Africa in the news, the more I believe Americans should get involved--not to help them, but so that they can somehow help us.

I think the number one thing that I brought back with me was perspective. Who cares about manicures when everyone has red mud caked in their fingernails from digging a hole with a stick? Who cares about frizzy curls or highlights when your hair has been washed with a sponge bath and your scalp is peeling from the hot sun? Who cares about whether my chai has the right "water to tea ratio" when I am eating a fried egg-peanut butter-jelly-and tomato sandwich and a hot fanta for lunch everyday (that was star treatment if you can believe it)? Who even said you get to eat everyday?

I am not saying that I abandoned my luxuries completely as soon as I got home. I don't necessarily think that is the appropriate response. I guess I just stopped complaining about them. I think the best way to find out about Africa is to go. Not only on a safari, but to interact, and to love. I don't feel sorry for Africa--I feel empowered. I kind of think they should feel sorry for us.

I Kissed a Girl

2006-03-27T18:44:00.000-06:00

Ok, now that I got your attention--her name was Daisy. She was taller than the building and she helped me live out my dream of "kissing" a giraffe. (Ok, so more like feeding them with your mouth while they lick your entire face with their humongous, blue, sandpaper-feeling tongue. A dream fulfilled, nevertheless.)

We are back from Africa and I am finally ready to post something. Not really--more will come. I have so much, but I am waiting for the words to catch up with my heart. When they do, I'll let you know all about it. I will probably be posting about Africa for months. Hope you want to hear...

By the way, the foot picture had to be thrown in--not just because I love feet, but because I wanted you to see one day's dirt mixed with a week of equatorial sun. Most of it is dirt though (I know, right?). Sponge baths by candlelight aren't the easiest way to clean your dirty self!

More to come, I promise...

TAKS torture

2006-02-21T18:07:00.000-06:00

Introducing the newest form of torture: TAKS (the dreaded "TEST" that keeps upper elementary school kids from passing if they fail it. If too many pass it, they make it harder and more unpredictable the next year...and the next...pretty soon, first graders will need a master's degree to advance to 2nd)

Today was the grumpiest day I've had this year at school. I'll give you the setting...
It's a cold, wet, drizzly day with 19 first graders (one dropped off at 8:15 today due to fever--of course, not the RIGHT one). Yesterday was indoor recess and a 'modified' schedule (sure to make any kid bonkers) for the upper elementary. Today starts off with my immediate shushing and snapping to get the 19 youngsters in line and silent. I mutter grumblings under my breath as I clear the sleep from my eyes. "Should I have stayed up that late?" I wonder. In walks the TAKS monitor telling me to keep my class quieter because they can 'hear us clear out in the hall'. I think we accidentally breathed in unison and created a loud sigh. Oops.

I rebuked my 'kids' in a strained whisper and gave an eye roll to really "communicate" my frustration with them. This continues all day until lunch. A jumper here...a knee hitting the floor there...each time, more rebuke as a sly smile crosses his face. "Will Miss Brown really blow steam out of her ears if I do it again? Or was that just a frustrated, ridiculous threat?" This goes on for hours.

After we walk down the hall in complete silence (all the while perfecting my 'evil teacher eye' with one student after another), I go for my 15 minute lunch break, only to find out that all the 'TAKS' teachers get a catered free lunch from an upscale place. All year they press us K, 1, and 2 teachers to "take the test seriously because we are TAKS teachers as much as the rest"--until the rubber meets the road, I see. At least the coke machine gave me an extra coke today...it knew it was about to meet its death for taking my money yesterday if it did it again.

There they are...19 little pairs of eyes, back in my room. They had to have a 'silent lunch' due to the test, so they are excited about recess. No recess, the TAKS gods say. No special areas either. That equals no bathroom for Miss Brown today. No rest from all the little questions and the massive amounts of shushing. Ahhh...Finding Nemo and an early release birthday pass for me. Salvation.

That chai tastes better today...I wonder why. I think I'm already feeling a cold coming on for TAKS day 2007.

Why I really SHOULD hate Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T17:17:00.000-06:00

So, after writing yesterday, I was talking with a friend and reminiscing about Valentine's past. I couldn't quite remember why I loved the holiday so much, but I sure remembered a reason why I should hate it...here goes.

It was a sunny Valentine's Day in Mississippi. I was floating on air because I was a sassy 6th grader (the top of the school in Mississippi elementary schools, but no matter...). I finally started "going with" my longtime 5th/6th grade crush, Tad Doolittle (yes, that was his name--you'll see why in a minute). We changed classes in the hallway, along with 5th grade, and I anxiously awaited seeing him there because we had different homeroom classes. I wondered, "Will I finally get a card or rose this year?" I had never had a Valentine before. Oh, the anticipation.

There he was...scrawny, skinny, and lovely. Oh, so popular. He walked over to me with a rose in front of the whole upper elementary. Wow, so public a display! "This gets better and better," I thought. Everyone was watching as he handed me the rose...but, I noticed something wasn't right. The silk rose had been colored black with a marker. What's this? A note that read something to the effects of, "I don't want to spend Valentine's with you, Bucky!"

But, you're probably thinking...hey, your name is Katie. You may even be thinking, why did he call you Bucky? Funny you should ask. Well, at the time (before braces really started being slapped on at birth), I had extremely hidious buck teeth. [Please insert your thoughtful, "Wow, but your teeth look so hot NOW" comment, wink..wink] Darn that Tad Doolittle! He took a perfectly great holiday and potentially soiled it.

But I realized after I remembered the story with my friend that one "doolittle" can't wreck a day of the year when I celebrate and give thanks for the most important thing on earth...people and relationships.

It also helps to know that ol' Tad later went to prison for constructing a bomb or something. Poor guy. [conceal inappropriate laughter now]

My Funny Valentine

2006-02-13T16:27:00.000-06:00

I will start by saying that I LOVE, LOVE Valentine's Day--I always have (although I am not sure why, because it's not like it has been spectacular my whole life). But, this year kinda blows. I just got back from my last uncle's (on my dad's side) funeral...I have no "prospect" to even crush over...and I had to cancel my Valentine's party because I was out of town for the funeral...oh, yeah, and I had to clean up raw sewage that had backed up in my shower last night around midnight. It's like all the dark forces of people who hate Valentine's Day are ganging up on me this year. Ugh!

My roommate said it well with this quote on her blog:
"I have enjoyed my singleness, but it's like being unemployed. It's easier to enjoy when you know when it will end."

So true. Well, I am here to have hope in Christ. As cheesy as it sounds to some people, He can be my Valentine--He's the most faithful one anyway. Also, I want to give props to my sister, best friend in PA, and my many friends who tell me (and show me) how much they care about me. Who said Valentine's was for couples?

Props

2006-01-31T18:32:00.000-06:00

Upon further contemplation (and the checking of another friend's tag answers), I must give an addendum to my funniest people list. I would love to add my brother, Tyler, because he is a long-time laugh maker in my life (this, however, was not the person on the other friend's blog).

The person I forgot to mention as one of the funniest people in the world to me: Brian Regan. I was thinking only of people I knew, but man, I have probably never laughed as hard as the times I am either listening to him, quoting him, or re-hashing the whole Cd or DVD with my sister. Dag, is he funny!

I got Tagged

2006-01-30T18:09:00.000-06:00

4 Books I am currently reading:
(They are really collecting dust for now, but I am mid-read)
1. Desiring God (John Piper)
2. Harry Potter (like #80 or something)
3. Having a Mary heart in a Martha World
4. The PH Miracle (a medical/health book)

4 Things I am learning:
1. Life and relationships are messy
2. Singleness is super fun when you have the right perspective
3. One can only truly give their hearts to a few solid people in life
4. Things are never as they seem; combined with God is more patient/merciful than I ever gave Him credit for

4 Celebrities I would love to have a date with:
1. Ewan Mcgregor (surprise, surprise)
2. Michael Vartan (ahhh...)
3. Jude Law (just for the eye candy and accent)
4. David Duchovny (smart & funny...you can't really go wrong with that!)

4 Jobs I'd like in the future:
1. Still Photographer for movies
2. Owner of a Tea House
3. World Traveler & Photographer...maybe write reviews for some cool magazine
4. Author/Illustrator of children's books (really, author of ANY book)

4 of my favorite clothing article that I would always pack on a trip:
(Depends on the place and time of year, so I'll go Europe in early March)
1. A hottie scarf
2. My J.Crew 'fit me perfect' jeans
3. Shane & Shane baby T
4. Cuddle Duds (like girls' long johns)

4 of my favorite drinks:
1. Starbucks--Tall Organic "Light on the Water" Chai Latte
2. Amaretto Sour
3. Freshly juiced Carrot, Red/Green Apple, Pear, Kiwi Juice
4. Pina Coladas

4 People that make me laugh:
(Wow, this is extremely hard to narrow down, cuz I think it is just about everyone...these are the ones that I shed 'laughter tears' on)
1. My sissie
2. My best friend, Amanda Hill
3. Ngofeen Mputubwele
4. David Grotheim

4tags:
1. Tammy
2. Quincy
3. Bethany Reese
4. Jennifer Pennington

On the Upswing

2006-01-14T20:25:00.000-06:00

Things are looking better...heart mending from hurt...God is ultimately good in ALL situations and things...sister who claims she would marry me if I were a boy (in a totally non-creepy way)...friends who have stayed up late with me talking, listening, and giving sound advice (even when I don't believe it)...card from best friend with our hottie "girls with guns" look...Ohio boy (by that I mean man) giving me new perspective :P...leaders that challenge and care...apologies given and accepted...my mom listening and loving me for the emotional, verbally-processing person I am (thanks, mum!)...pink "princess" rock on my hand from a student to remind me...hope being restored...questions unanswered...heart okay with not having all the answers--sometimes ignorance truly is "bliss"...my heart learning how to guard appropriately and draw boundaries, not bitterness...new roommate who "gets" me...I could go on and on, so I won't.

Pawn

2006-01-05T20:15:00.000-06:00

Have you ever felt like a pawn? Trust me...it leaves a disgusted feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Betrayal

2005-12-18T14:45:00.000-06:00

I say this with tears...no, sobbing. I went to see a movie called The Family Stone with my mom last night. I was expecting a funny movie, stomach muscles and cheeks hurting from laughter, feel good kind of movie night. WARNING: for those that want to see it, stop reading unless you could care less about twists.

Well, as you are going along wondering what everyone's problem is, you find out that the mom is dying of breast cancer. At the end, you are left with her death and the family moving on. I shed a tear and thought I'd be on my way. My mom and I sat through the credits (as we always do), while she sings some old song I don't know but was apparently hugely popular in her day. I had a horrible thought racing through my head and I thought that if I didn't roll it off my tongue, I would burst. I started crying painfully, and as I tried to choke it out, the words wouldn't vocalize. I waited until I had some composure (my mom was waiting patiently also) and I finally squeaked out in sobs..."I'm glad it wasn't you."

There it was--betrayal. I felt relieved and guilty at the same time. By saying that, was I saying, "I'm glad it was my dad instead?" No. But it crossed my mind. It is a horrible thought to feel you favor one parent over another, or the thought that you could ever be thankful that it was one gone over the other. Well, I faced it. And there it is. I'm sad that it was him, but I'm equally glad it wasn't her.

Only in Texas

2005-12-13T17:23:00.000-06:00

I guess it was a week ago when we had the freezing-cold-Ice-Storm-of-the-Year and today I was wearing short sleeves...

Caroling for Kenya

2005-12-13T17:12:00.000-06:00

This past Saturday, I went caroling to raise money for our team going to Kenya in March. It was fun and we raised a little bit of money too! I am praying for God's grace in support raising. I feel a little behind, but I know that is MY human brain trying to believe God when He says He will provide. But, the money is due soon! So, if anyone is wanting to support me, let me know and I'll find a way to get the check from ya! I still need quite a bit.

Storm of the Year

2005-12-08T09:56:00.000-06:00

Ok, so we had our first ice "storm" (if that is what you call it) here in North Texas. You would think that we would learn from past mistakes and STOP driving big semi-trucks over bridges, but I've just spent an hour watching the news and all the wrecks that keep happening. Did I mention I got the day off of school? Yay!

I drove home last night from my friends' house and it took me like 30 minutes to go across town. It was kind of fun to drive through the ice. I got stuck behind a stuck truck at TWU (the big hill) and I was very thankful for my brother at that point. He made me learn how to counter-steer a fishtail, and by golly, I think that is how I made it past the ice hill. Plus, it was super fun! I was glad to get home, lie around, and snuggle up while watching the Ewan McGregor motorcycle marathon. *sigh*

I've got a surprise day off. I think I'll put up my Christmas tree...

Social Purgatory

2005-12-01T17:26:00.000-06:00

I once heard a singles talk (no, this one was not the typical "I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.." one) where the woman started off by saying, " I LOVE being single. I want to be married." Can these two statements co-exist? (one wonders) I believe, yes. But I am getting the suspicion that most people don't think so. Read the rest of this post with that in mind...I agree with the statment and carry it wholeheartedly: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being single. I SO want to be married.

The other day in church, we were asked to shout out what we are thankful for. I waited as I heard many things from others to be thankful for: God, babies, family, car rides that went well, safety, etc. The only thing that came to mind was what I shouted out: singleness. After the few chuckles subsided, I found myself pretty peeved. Why do people chuckle when you say that? It's like they don't believe me. "Poor dear, it takes courage to find contentment. I am glad she is speaking truth so she can believe it." Like someone with boils on their body saying, "I'm thankful for good health."

This was just icing on a multi-layered, very old cake for me. I have heard this time and time again. Many singles feel that we are in some sort of 'social purgatory', waiting, twiddling thumbs, until the marriage lottery calls our number. Is it really the end all, be all, of life? Don't get me wrong about marriage (remember my disclaimer at the start), but this is stinkin' frustrating to deal with, day in and day out. Part of my discontentment with singleness is because I almost feel like something is wrong with me if ever I am actually content being alone.

When else could I do the things that I do? Why sit around when the Lord has given me time to use for Him, without any distraction? I look forward to the day when (rather, if) God allows the beautiful "distractions" that marriage/kids can bring, but how is moping, sulking, complaining, and envying going to bring me to that desire?

I hope I haven't ticked anyone off.

U2

2005-11-10T18:48:00.000-06:00

So I went to a U2 concert on Halloween weekend and it was awesome! I bought the tickets back in the spring for me to go with my mom, brother, and sister (we have all loved U2 since I can remember). It was such an incredible concert, but I loved the time with my family most of all. I miss my brother terribly and I am so proud of him for starting college last year (he is a late bloomer, but a genius!). My mom has been the glue of our little struggling family and the Lord has really blessed us because of her surrender to Him. My sister is like our backbone of truth, strength, and wisdom and I have managed to lodge myself right into the middle of all of this :P

I was totally affected by Bono and his message for Africa and the nations (despite his rattling off of some crap about Islam, Jew, and Jesus all being true...but whatev). My heart for Africa has always been sensitive, but I guess the possibility of me being in Kenya for Jesus in March makes my eyes fill with tears and my heart pump a little faster. Who knew you could get a dynamic concert and a little missions lesson all rolled into nosebleed seats that sold out in 2 minutes 8 months ago?

Were you worth it?

2005-10-27T17:46:00.000-05:00

Dear France,
I love you dearly and I am so thrilled that I got to visit you and your people this summer! Besides, I met some great people on the project that I worked on. But, I have some bad news for you, France.

You see, yesterday I had a bad day. The pits. I had to have an emergency root canal because of you. I had a cavity go from "not there" to severe in the exact amount of time that I spent with you. Rats! But, that's not all. Trekking around your beautiful cities left me with a stress fracture. Although your doctors are legit, they didn't properly stabilize my bone, so I received a torn ligament in the arch of my other foot when I tried to hobble to your beach and back like 5 times a day. Hobbling on that foot, now my "stress fracture foot" also has a torn arch ligament. Yay. France--in case you can't count--that's two arches torn. Now, let's do the math...How many feet do you have to work with? Yes, you got it.

Now, granted, some of this was my doing--the Fanta, the stubborness about not walking everywhere--but you gave me no choice. I wasn't going to hold it against you, France...until yesterday. As the numbness was wearing off from the root canal and the tooth was just beginning to throb like mad, I received the disturbing news that because my injuries in my feet were so old (aka...happened in the summer), the swelling was "abnormally" out of control. In other words...not healing. I wish I could say that getting a steroid shot in my heel (which, by the way, was more painful than the moon TATTOOED on the top of my foot) was nothing because I got to spend time with you, France. But, that was not my thought at all. In fact, as I limped out with the doctor's order of 6 weeks/3 times a week of electronic stimulation therapy (then, if it doesn't work, surgery) and a throbbing heel and tooth, my only thought was..."France, were you worth it?"

Can you prove me otherwise?

Your so-so friend (who's a little ticked),
Katie B.

Can I get a shiver?

2005-10-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

I am so excited because we had our first "cold day" here in Denton! Yay. I wore a thin long sleeve shirt and I think I shivered once. I absolutely adore fall/colder weather, so I am pumped about our little "cold snap." Hopefully, it will last longer than a day.

I am also excited because I am praying that the Lord will take me to Kenya this March with my church. We have to raise about 2-3,000 bucks by January, so you know I'll be calling y'all to see if you can help out. I am excited because it will be different from other ministries I have gone overseas for. This time, we will working with "Food for the Hungry" and hopefully with AIDS orphans (those affected by parents who died of AIDS). There is a litte bit of orphan in me that burns for them, so I hope I get to go. Please pray and give $ if you can. You will be blessed!

I'm addicted to heroin...kind of

2005-10-14T18:32:00.000-05:00

I was watching the movie Trainspotting (which is horribly wonderful I might add) and I realized so much about the life of someone addicted to a hard drug like heroin. I have been around my fair share of heroin addicts (sadly), but I guess I have always seen them coming off of it--not ever witnessing the power behind the addiction. I have to admit, I previously had the NO MERCY stance on all of it. I think my inner monologue went something like this, "Ok, loser, just quit it already. Can't you just see that it is ruining your life. Hello? Man, you must be such a weakling that you can't stay away from something so obviously harmful; you would be willing to let so much go for such a instant gratification/short term thing. I'm glad I'm not YOU."

However, after watching that movie, I realized that I was no better. It may sound ridiculous to many, but I feel so much of what he was talking about with just your regular suburban heroin--Starbucks. I find myself bargaining with the devil practically to get an IV drip of Chai Latte. I think they are going to start signing off your first born at the checkout counter pretty soon. Seriously, the power of wanting something that you've told yourself you can't have is wicked hard to overcome. I have now been thrust off my high horse to the ground of compassion and understanding--and it's a rocky place.

I only wish every hopeless addict I've ever snobbishly written off could hear me now...

Mission Impossible?

2005-10-09T18:47:00.000-05:00

Lately I have felt a little alone in this world--like "alone in a crowd" alone. I have wrestled with God about why and my main reason is because the people I connect with the most are so far away from me. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I hang out with, but I am talking about the people who just "get" you...you don't even have to say how you are feeling--they just know. Those people in my life are hours and hours away and I miss them daily. As I was feeling all of this (and having a slight breakdown :P), I spent some extended time with the Lord at a retreat.

I was sitting on a blanket by a beautiful lake and listening to the wind. I thought it was rushing water at first, but then I realized that it was the sound of the leaves blowing. I looked over at a group of 3 trees that were close to each other, but far enough away that they reminded me of my situation with my best friends. The trees looked very similar in make-up and about the same height. Here is what my heart received from Jesus:

The trees are not lonely. They stand alone, but never lonely. The same wind that pushes one, pushes the other. Although they respond each in their own way, they are still rustling with the same movement and the same sound: like they feed off each other without ever being near. This is your season...should you choose to be content in it.

I was super encouraged because I realized (yet again) that my contentment right now is a choice.

Being Eve

2005-09-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

I have struggled lately with trusting God's goodness in my life. I believe that all sin traces back to the core lie that God is not good and doesn't have our best interest at heart. Isn't that why Eve believed Satan and took matters into her own hands? God was holding out on her.

I have watched several dreams of mine come to fruition in the lives of others before my very eyes. It's tricky to be happy and jealous and doubtful and hopeful, all in the same breath. It makes me want to take matters into MY own hands sometimes. Ultimately I know that God is good to me and has my best interest at heart, but it takes a little while for that thought process to rule in my heart.

I am learning the secret of contentment: I love my life and all the opportunities as a single gal. Who do I know that has a life just like mine? Some days just take more convincing, that's all.

R&R @ B&N

2005-08-26T20:01:00.000-05:00

It has been 2 weeks since school started and I am just getting to know the crazy first graders that I have in my class. They are like little excitement bubbles that burst in every morning and they TOTALLY can't sit still. It's great! Tiring, but great. If only I could have half that excitement for life, I think I would have a deeper definition of the word "abundant"...

Needless to say, after 2 long weeks, I have been relaxing after school the last couple of days (trying to rid the song "Annie Apple, she says, /a/, she says, /a/" from my brain) by doing one of my favorite things--sitting at Barnes & Noble, drinking a chai latte (with all fat...I mean, milk), and reading a whole book that I never intended to pay money for. Man, I feel so much better! Maybe you are thinking what a nerd I am right now. Maybe you think it now that I said it myself. :P

My sister came in town for a few days and it was glorious! I was supposed to be spending time doing the "blitz" with my church (which equaled living in a gym for 5 days while going out to share the Gospel on campus every day), but my sister seemed to really need the encouragement. We got to see 4 friends that I haven't seen in years and I stayed up late talking to her every night. She kept feeling bad for "taking me away from my activities" and I had to keep reassuring her that I operate under the "people over activities...ALWAYS" motto. Mainly I just realized that loving someone requires sacrifice of some kind; and, if you really love them, it rarely FEELS like a sacrifice.

Ahh...Paris! (and beyond)

2005-08-14T22:37:00.000-05:00

I am definitely back in Texas (or should I say baked in Texas?), but I wanted to give you closure with my summer in France before I excite you with the daily news from DENTON! (that was sarcastic) Seriously, though...

I confess that I was really ready to leave Nice. Not because of any one thing, but just the drain of weeks away from your home base and friends. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE some of the people that I met on project, but I hadn't spoken to my sister in 2 and a half months! Our team finished strong with worship on the beach in Nice, and a guy from Ohio accepted Christ that night. It was exciting to see that Jesus will bring you across the world if that is what it takes to meet Him.

We traveled as a group to Paris to debrief and talk about transitioning back to our "normal" lives in the States. Can I just say that I love Paris?! I got to hang out with some awesome people, see the Impressionists at the Orsay, walk a ton, trespass in the "Phantom of the Opera" Opera House (thank you again, Jon), relax by the grand canal at Versailles, climb the Arch de Triomphe (not sure how to spell that one...), eat the best fondue--well, the ONLY fondue I've had, go with my team to the top of the Eiffel Tower at night, lay down and watch the Tower sparkle from the lawn with all the sprinklers, and say some teary goodbyes to people that I truly love...

The longer I am away, the sadder I get. I really miss people--partly because I know that I may never seem some again, partly because even if I do, it won't EVER be the same. But, such is life...I can appreciate my experiences even when I know I can not have them back again.

My flight home was a mess and I had to stay the night in Chicago. I talked to my sissie for 2 hours and that helped my massive crying episode subside. I spent a weekend in "project immersion" where I ate just about everything, and then I started work again. I have been abnormally calm and think I am freaking some of the other teachers out. They are stressed that I am not stressed. Does that make sense? I went to my church's leadership retreat this weekend and it was pretty exciting but VERY intense and long. I love being back with my peeps, but I was frustrated at the lack of excitement a few times. I think it is hard to come off of a summer with about 40 excited people to a place where there are maybe 10 total. I can't blame the ones who are not that passionate, but it was sort of a buzz kill for me. All the more reason to stir up the passion...I think I am just annoying them. :P

A New Sister

2005-07-28T04:16:00.000-05:00

Just a praise...

I met a Russian girl who is studying in Nice for 5 years. We were doing our outreaches on the beach Promenade these last couple of weeks. We have a drama set to the Skillet song "Locked in a Cage" (or something like that) that is awesome and then I danced on the hip hop team to the remix of "Stomp". Another girl did interpretive dancing to a Christian song that was very beautiful. While all of these outreaches draw a crowd, the other 25 team members are initiating conversations with the bystanders. It has been very effective in building friendships, meeting people, etc.

I can not initiate convos until the end because we dance every 8-10 minutes or so. This is my favorite type of evangelism, so I was kind of bummed at times watching all the great interactions. So, I prayed last Tuesday that I would be able to have 1 conversation at the very end of the night.

Once the night ended and most people left, I saw a girl on a bike. I hesitated to talk to her, but as she geared up to drive away, I ran up to her and started talking. She spoke some English as I asked her about her life. I shared the Gospel in English, but she seemed to want to hear it in French. I asked her if she saw the drama (thinking that she would understand the non-verbal Gospel) and she said no. She just stopped for the crowd. I got her e-mail and invited her to the drama/dance on Thursday, but she said she had to work till midnight and couldn't come. Thursday rolls around and she shows up to the drama! I realized with language that I misunderstood her and she works AT midnight. Before I noticed the language mistake I made, I thought she left so I went about my business. Because I wasn't with her, one of our Chinese-French-speaking students saw her and shared with her for 2 hours! In the middle of all this, I realized that if I had known she was still there, I never would have left her side. It was neat to see how God moves things to work out His will.

At the end of the night, I was feeling sad for other reasons and I sat down next to the two girls. My Chinese team member said, "Good news, Katie, she has just asked God to be in her life." It is also neat to see that after my Russian friend left, my team member and I just cried because we both needed the encouragement that night AND we had a new sister in the Lord!

Both of our friendships with her are solid and she has already come to one of our team family dinners. Please pray for solid discipleship and a good church for her (those are hard to come by). This has been an answer to my prayers because I had asked God to allow me to meet one girl here in Nice that I can keep in contact with and build a friendship. I was starting to doubt Him with 1 week left but He is faithful in His timing. He gave me more than I even asked or imagined.

Excursions

2005-07-21T04:46:00.000-05:00

Sorry it has been awhile since my last post--I have literally run non-stop for weeks. I have barely had enough time to process all that I am feeling and going through. Some neat experiences have happened and I have felt like an emotional roller coaster here sometimes.

First off, we took a trip a few weeks ago on our day off and it was great. We took a train to Ventimiglia, Italy and spent half the day at the market. We jumped on a train to head back to Nice and stopped off in Monaco/Monte-Carlo. It was beautiful! I went with the group that spent the majority of the time in the castle area and gardens (surprise, surprise ;P). I enjoyed the people that I was with and had only a few minor frustrations. Overall, I was impressed with the fact that it is okay to want things to be beautiful and royal--there is no shame in that as long as it brings glory to God and benefit to others. My thoughts were of Esther in the Bible. I think that is why she is my favorite...

After a hard week with the students here (meaning in my own heart toward them), we took a mid-project break to Cinque Terre, Italy. For anyone that knows me, this has been my dream since I drooled over Quincy's pictures 5 years ago. It was INCREDIBLE! I delighted in God's creation and it was even more beautiful than I imagined. Our team worshiped at a cross perched on the hill and you could hear our singing down all over the town. We reflected and hiked around a bit. I spent the day seeing all five towns and walking around. Did I mention that I got my foot x-rayed and I DO have a stress fracture? Well, that had an impact on my ability to participate which led to frustration. I got left a few times--three to be exact--and yes, I cried. I realized how much I like to be included and that I have to get that from God. There is NO way people can satisfy that all the time; they can't.

A crazy but funny story from the end of my trip...
I was bent on going kayaking in the ocean while in the Cinque Terre. Like, bent. Everyone knew it and so the last day (I had one hour to squeeze it in) before our train left, I went to get a kayak. It was so awesome--waves crashing, paddling against them, I even caught air a few times. I felt strong, adventurous, and excited. When it was time to paddle in, there was no one to help pull me in. Normally that would not be a problem, but the waves were so powerful that I could not "beach" myself. So, I asked an Italian dude to help and he said sure. He was pulling empty kayaks in, and when he was done, he walked away. I got his attention again, and he laughed as he walked on. So, I was a little peeved by this time. I did my best to "beach" myself again. I put my paddle down and then the waves pulled me back out without a paddle. In a rush, I tried to step out while the water was still shallow. My flipflop caught the edge and my body stepped out before my feet.

I fell on my hip and I hit a bunch of rocks (I have a black/purple/red bruise the size of a grapefruit to show for it). As I was sitting in the water, the Italian guy started laughing at me--hysterically. He thought it was the funniest thing. I admit, I said some choice words to him because he said he "couldn't understand English" and that is why he wouldn't help. I marched to the kayak place and almost beat him over the head with my paddle (it DID cross my mind, I confess). I was so humiliated that I was crying--I know, it is like daily--by the time I reached the older Italian guys who ran the business. I explained what happened and they dragged the young dude in, chewed him out in Italian, waited for him to apologize (they insisted that we wait until it was "from his heart"), he kissed my cheek "from his heart", and the older men gave me my hour for free if I promised to give their business a good name.

After that experience, I had 30 minutes to clean up before our 5 hour train ride home. Good times, good times...

Nice is Nice

2005-07-07T09:08:00.000-05:00

So, I have been in Nice for a few weeks now, but I haven't had a moment to even write about it. I was thrust immediately into my role as "student staff" (which is funny because I am neither a "student" or CCC "staff"). This has been interesting to figure out how to balance my time with students and still go to meetings, etc. I feel lazy sometimes when I decide to rest instead of go to the beach or shopping, but if I don't, I will be a grump.

I had my 27th birthday here last Saturday and that was fun. In all honesty, the surprise birthday party that I had in May with my church was like my "real" birthday. This day, July 2, just made it official that I am one year older. I feel like I am 18 on the inside no matter what I see in the mirror. Ahh! ;P I celebrated by going to get my first official crepe in France. It was filled with chocolate/hazlenut creme--called Nutella--and was drippy good. I called it my "birthday crepe" and when you say it in French, it sounds mysteriously like "birthday crap". Hmmm....

We are going to visit a village in Italy and Monaco tomorrow for our day off. It is an optional excursion for the team and then I will try to lay out on the beach in Cannes for my day off on Saturday. I have had an interesting time with my feet here and have not been able to find the remedy in France. Apparently, French people do not have flat feet and they have never heard of a little term called "arch support". My mom has to Fed Ex the solution to me.

I will most likely get my foot x-rayed next week sometime, so please pray for healing.Our team needs prayer too because we are having a lot of difficulty. A stomach bug has hit about 8 people, one girl is having seizures and can't explain why, we've got nightmares, foot trouble, my teeth are starting to hurt, bags stolen, 3 deaths of close friends and family of our team--and all in 2 weeks! We need fighting for. We have about 50 people on our team...please pray.

Oh, Glorious Downhill!

2005-06-24T07:23:00.000-05:00

So we decide to hike up a path to a waterfall and it is supposed to be "just right over there". Is anything ever like it seems? The sign for the little path said 30 minutes to the waterfall. Whose 30 minutes? Mine, or a large German Black Forest hiker guy? We decided to move on even though my foot feels broken at this point. I have never actually seen a waterfall up close, so it was worth the pain just trying.

The climb was deceptive, started off with barely an incline for the first 5 minutes and the rest of the 40 minutes was straight uphill (like a staircase). It was beautiful and serene, with alpine flowers growing in the middle of the forest path. We found our first bridge that overlooked this rushing little waterfall. It was breezy and pretty, but I was thinking "Wow, this is great, but is that it?!"

Well, it wasn't. After a few more bridges like that, we spotted a beautiful rolling waterfall. Small, but gorgeous. I was fairly impressed, but I had some shattered expectations of what a "glacial waterfall" should look like. Well, I saw a sign that looked like it pointed around a corner and I heard a faint rushing water sound. Even though we thought we had seen it all, I asked my friend if we could check it out. We turned the corner...

And I was completely deaf from the powerful sound of a monstrous waterfall. It was tall and massive, and sprayed cold, melted snow water on you. I was amazed that we couldn't hear/tell/feel this from just around the corner. We sat and prayed and worshipped and the all I could think of was the song from Delirious: "God...is bigger than...the air I breathe...the world we'll leave/And God...will save the day...and all will say...my Glorious!" After all of that, we decided to come back down to earth. But the Lord spoke to my heart through the waterfall. On the way down, those other look-alike bridges/waterfalls were nothing compared to the source from which they came.

God is not satisfied when we only soak and sit at the "edge" of His glory. He wants us to hike up--hurting feet and all--to experience the source. The point where you can hear nothing but the roar of the waterfall and feel nothing but its refreshing breezes. Suddenly the whole world disappears and it takes conscious, concerted effort to come down from the mountain back to reality. And suddenly the cares of the world and even religion have very little impression on you now that you've seen the source of all greatness.

I am different because of that waterfall. But, I'll tell you that my heart could only think of how glorious going downhill felt after an experience like that.

Ferris Wheel Gone Wrong

2005-06-22T09:58:00.000-05:00

I am catching up on days still, so read the one below first to be chronological...

Took a cab this mornning at 6 am and paid an arm and a leg for it too. The cabbie practically kicked me out on the street when I wouldn't give him 2 extra Euros for "situating" my bag in the back. I took a train from Tours to Lyon and then from Lyon to Saint Gervais. Then I took another train from Saint Gervais to Les Pelerins, right next to Chamonix/Mont Blanc. I hiked up a mountain for 10 minutes to get to my hostel. Right after I arrived, it poured down rain. I met 3 cool roomies--one Canadian and two Austrailian women. We connected and went out on the town.

My foot has been in great pain for days, and it feels like a stress fracture. I don't think it is, but it hurts. The walk in to town was about 20 minutes and I had a rough time. We stumbled upon some bagpipe guys and realized that Chamonix was celebrating the Summer Solstice (I think that is what the longest day of the year is called). It was awesome! We ate a great dinner, danced in the streets (Haaay!), drank a drink in a pub, and danced some more. Every corner had a different type of music playing--some DJ's and some live bands. I enjoyed every minute of it.

The next day, my last day of vatcation, was by far the best. The Austrailians had to leave, but they told us about some cool things to do. I decided to go on a funicular up to Augille du Midi (a high mountain) and then a cable car over to Mount Helbronner, Italy. Have you ever gone on a ferris wheel and had to stop at the top, swaying and rocking in the breeze, while you wait for people to get on at the bottom? Well, hold that feeling and magnify it by 20. Picture the same scene--only you are in a little capsule, suspended on a cable between two mountain peaks at 3600+ meters (who cares how many feet that is at this point!), hanging--really dangling--over about twenty crevaces of a massive glacier. This was like a ferris wheel gone ALL wrong.

Don't get me wrong--the view was breathtaking. But somehow I jumped into a cable car solo, so mine tipped back just a little. You hang and sway for 2-3 minutes, about 6-7 times and the whole journey betweeen 4 mountain peaks takes about 35 minutes. When I got to Italy, my stomach was turning. The ride gave an incredible view of Mont Blanc, the highest mountain in France; but, my stomach churned when I pictured my capsule plummeting into an ice crevace below. Thankfully on the way back, a French girl rode with me and it was awesome. I didn't notice the swaying, just the view. When we hiked around a bit on a lower mountain, we decided to search for a nearby waterfall...

And that is just the first half of the day. Part two coming soon.

A Day Fit for a Princess

2005-06-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

I am a little tired of trains--arranging them, changing trains, cramming, waiting in lines for their reservations--all of it. Think twice about getting a Eurail Pass for France. Ok, that is all the complaining I will do...

So, I decided to take it easy today. I took a bus tour today and it was awesome! We left after lunch to head out to Chateau de Chenonceau. Oh, the palaces! Everything royal--from the 4 poster beds to the flower gardens painstakingly planted. I walked around the shrubs carved out like a maze. The weather was gorgeous and I just strolled around, taking it all in. After Chenonceau, we toured Chateau de Amboise, and then Leonardo DaVinci's house (in his last years of life). IBM had taken his drawings and built all of his inventions. They were scattered through this park where you could use them and play with them. Maybe it was the engineering side of me, I don't know, but it was more glorious than the palaces. DaVinci was a genius.

We ended the tour with wine tasting in a little winery built in a cave. Very cool! I don't like wine so much, but since it was white wine, I joined in. They took us back to the station and I hiked back to my hostel. It was cool because I started talking to a Chinese lady on my tour and she turned out to be Campus Cr. for Christ staff in Paris. She knew all about my summer project in Nice!

Small world.

Hitchhiking on Father's Day

2005-06-19T14:16:00.000-05:00

I am catching up on a few days, so bear with me...

I arrived in Tours, France after a long day of travel. I am sunburned from WAITING: For the many modes of transportation that say they are coming when they aren't; for random buses that miss your train times because nothing lines up; waiting. But somehow, the waiting is pleasant--maybe cuz it's Father's Day and my heart has been so broken lately that it is now at rest.

This morning I woke up and made my way through the crowds for the marathon at Le Mont St. Michel. Of all the weekends--a marathon weekend! I am so glad I went last night when no one was there. I made my way up the incline to the Abbey (this is what makes the Mont St. Michel a ''Mont'') for Sunday mass. As I took my place and the monks started chanting, my eyes filled with tears. Maybe it was the haunting singing, maybe the longing for my Father to have known Jesus, maybe wondering if Jesus FELT glorified in all the ''religion'' taking place. My tears fell and my eyes were empty--no more to give. I cut out of mass early to see the abbey and catch my bus. I accidentally took a ''tour'' of the abbey (which saved me 8 Euros!) but I was almost late getting back to the bus stop, although the bus never came. I re-routed and arrived in Tours by 9:45 at night. There were no taxis to be found, so I waited some more.

A nice couple asked if I wanted to share a taxi with them, because my hostel was on the way out of town to their house. 20 minutes passed--no taxis and there were 5 people ahead of us. My feet were practically bleeding, the blisters pinching against my shoes. The couple decided to call a friend and they took me to my hostel. Is it hitchiking when you've met and talked with the people?

My desperation and God's grace made it all possible.

Heat Exhaustion

2005-06-18T18:33:00.000-05:00

Today was the worst, but then it got better! I waited in the wrong line at Gare du Nord in Paris 3 different times. I couldn't stop crying--I think Father's Day crying came in too. I finally got in the right line to take a train to Pontorson/Mont Saint Michel, and the lady said I needed to go to a different train station in Paris. I had 30 minutes until the last train left. With my ginormous bag and soggy clothes, I RAN to the metro and into the station. The last train left at 14:05 and I jumped on at 14:03. I was hot and about to faint, but this man was blocking the aisle and wanted me to move. I had nowhere to go and by this time, vomit was rising to my throat. I backed up and then barreled over him and another person, stumbled to the luggage car and collapsing, holding my mouth--dry heaving and hyperventilating. I am fairly sure it was heat exhaustion because it was 85 degrees+ and I had been running and carrying my bag for 3 and a half hours. You should see the picture I took of myself to prove it. :)

Several people took my bags off of me and led me to a seat. It was hilarious, y'all. I wish I'd had a reality show at this point. There was no water on the train (at least none that were bubble-free), and the snack machine with the only clean water on the train ate my last 3 Euros. I could not stop crying--it just poured out like gut-wrenching rain. I hit the machine and went back to my seat to cry some more. Then it got better...

2 Crazy Asians

2005-06-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

Someone showed me where to catch my bus to Mont Saint Michel and this is where the day was redeemed. You see, I wanted to spend Father's Day at the place my dad loved the most, Le Mont Saint Michel, France. He particularly liked it at sunset. I thought it wasn't going to happen, and I kept praying and asking Jesus to get me to the mount for Father's Day.

I suppose that is why I collapsed and had the gut-wrenching tears. It was originally told to me that the train was leaving at 14:00, not 14:05. But then it was changed and I had 2 minutes to spare. Then, I had accidentally been booked on a bus that took me to my hotel door at Mont Saint Michel (which is amazing cuz the rail station is 20 minutes away). I would've had to walk if it had not been for that bus. Plus, I met GRACE and SUNNY (2 Asian ladies--yes, those are their actual names). Grace and Sunny said they would take care of me after hearing my story. We walked to the Mount together that night. No one was at the Mount, which was amazing for a Saturday night. They had made reservations at a high quality restaurant. When I saw the prices of the restaurant, I said I couldn't join them because of the price. They said, "Don't worry...we'll treat you!"

This was a treat indeed. We had French cider & wine (I tasted), several courses, and it totaled 202 Euros! My steak was the cheapest thing on the menu at 45 Euros. I was definitely wined and dined and there were many famous people who had eaten there over the years. Their pictures hung on the walls. We watched the sunset from the top of the mount, but I really wanted to see the silhouette of the mount against the sunset, as that is the poster my dad had hanging on the wall. We talked about it often and I shared his love of sunsets.

Well, there was no conceivable way to see the silhouette when we were ON the mount at sunset. I prayed and asked Jesus to stay the sunset. I believed He could do it for me and even that He would. We walked leisurely home and the sunset lasted from 10:30 until midnight! All the colors stayed intact. I kept looking at my watch and thinking, "Okay, Lord, that's enough, I've seen it." But the sunset stayed until the mount was just about out of my view (a 20 minute walk). When I was about to lose view, I turned and the sunset was gone.

We even had a laugh at a guy who flashed us on the way home. :P

Lessons from a Seagull

2005-06-17T17:37:00.000-05:00

6 modes of transportation and 12 hours later, I arrived back to Paris from London. It was a very stressful yet relaxing day coming back. It is stressful for me anytime there is changing transportaion and timing everything right to get back to Paris before dark. But, once I was on the underground/bus/ferry/train/train/metro, you have to relax. I learned this by watching the coolest seagull by the ferry. I had taken a bus to Dover after hiking through London. I got on the ferry to go to Calais, France, and while waiting to take pictures of the white cliffs of Dover, I took note of a particular seagull.

I realized I had a lot to learn. This seagull (sg for short) struggled to get from the ship into the air. But, once in the air, its natural design took over. I watched as it floated effortlessly upon the wind, almost like it was windsurfing. But, everytime it touched down to the ship to get food, life got complicated. There was definitely a solution--back to the wind once again. The ship was not the sg's carrier, just a pitstop for goods. The wind was forceful but guiding and all the sg had to do was steer its body to ride the wind's direction. The sg surfed the wind, not the other way around. Because the wind really had the final say on the direction of the seagull.

Well, as you can see, this related so much to my reliance upon the Lord in my daily life and even my travels. The world is not our carrier, He is. After the struggles comes the effortless surfing. He is in control and moves me, but I have choices about the direction I "think" I'd like to go. But in the end, He knows best and can change that direction for me when needed.

After my lessons from the seagull, this knowlege has come in handy. I'll explain later when it doesn't cost 8 Euros an hour to type.

Tom and Katie

2005-06-17T12:03:00.000-05:00

I got back to Paris after the long trip from London. I had been praying and asking Jesus to take care of me the whole way. All of the transportation has to work out correctly, and believe me, that is difficult in France! He directed me home, and I had some people even share a cab with me and pay for the whole thing. I was almost to Paris when a funny thing happened. This French guy at the rail station asked me for a cigarette in French. He realized that I was not French and then started talking to me about how he loved America and loved music there. He found out I was from Texas, so he said he loved country music. He inquired of my music tastes and then asked if I liked rock music. I said not really, but he insisted that he had the best amplifiers in all the land. By now, you can probably imagine my face--but he wasn't getting the hint. He then asked if I would like to come to his car and listen to his amplifiers. After a definite no, he pressed on that I should come look at them. I kindly thanked him again and started to get up, hoping to avoid another Mohammed incident. He left and I chuckled all the way to my train. Seriously, has that worked on other American girls? I have gotten more offers in the last week and a half than I have since third grade (that was a good year)! I toured Paris for one last day and Bethany decided to come with me--we saw a ton of stuff. Something random--I spent my last night at the Eiffel Tower,watching the lights sparkle. When we got home, we saw that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had just gotten engaged there that morning. Crazy!!

Ewan McHottie

2005-06-16T16:25:00.000-05:00

One word to describe Ewan: Haaaay! (Jesse and Ruth--that's for you). Guys and Dolls was the best! I had great seats and enjoyed every second of it. Sadly, Ewan decided not to come out and meet his adoring fans, and because my hostel was touching the theater, you know I was one of the 6 people waiting forever. When I finally gave up, my hostel doorman said he saw Ewan leave on his motorcycle a while ago. He also said, "Oh yeah I saw him earlier today walk by our hostel with a cup of coffee (from a cafe 2 doors away)". What!? Where was I when all of this was taking place? Anyway, they tried to comfort us by saying that Ewan would be signing the next night. Great! Only I will be in Paris.

All in all, great fun! The Eurostar Channel Tunnel train rocked and I want to thank my mom and sister for making this whole event possible. They helped me finance this jaunt as a birthday treat! You gals are awesome. By the way, mom, I don't have your new e-mail on hand. Can you e-mail me so we can talk?

I have more adventures to speak of, but it has been a long day. I will post Part 2 tomorrow.

Happy Birthday, Mum!

2005-06-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Mum,
Happy Birthday to you! I love ya'!

On your birthday, I took in the sights of Paris on a cruise down the Seine river, and then walked around Paris taking pictures for 5 hours down by the Louvre, gardens, Champs Elysees, Arc de Triomphe, and the Eiffel Tower. I wish you were here with me taking it all in.

Tomorrow, London to see Guys and Dolls with good ol' Ewan McGregor. I'm pumped!

Wobbly Knees

2005-06-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

I am feeling the 509 little steps that I hiked in the Cologne Cathedral the other day. This morning I woke up and walked around Brussels--much better the second time around. I found the train and took it to Paris. Upon arrival, I attempted to call my friend who was to meet me, but I couldn't get the phone to work. By this time, the 40 lbs on my back and wobbly knees from the cathedral were starting to get to me. Several people helped, and one guy even let me use his phone card. No luck. I am standing in the middle of Gare du Nord, wondering how I am supposed to get to a place that I have no address for and no phone to contact. I found two sweet Americans who let me use their cell phone to call. My friend had already been to pick me up that day, but missed me because our communication over e-mail hadn't gone through. Grrr! She started to tell me how to get to her house (which is very complicated) and the more she talked, the weepier my eyes got. By this time, my legs were about to give out. When she heard me starting to sob (I have been very emotional these few days, I know :P), she said for me to take a certain train and sit there while she came to get me.

The American girls gave me a subway card and a little map that they had marked where I needed to go. Somehow I seem to lose all sense of adventure and ability to focus with that bag on my back. Because as soon as it comes off, I am fearless! But I managed to find my friend (rather, she found me) and we hiked back to her house from the train--about 20 minutes walking. We rested for a few minutes and set out again for a Bible study. It was cool to see the work she is doing here. I would say well worth the sweat and tears!

Initiation

2005-06-12T12:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I left the beautiful experience of Germany to travel about on my own. What was I thinking coming to Brussels first?! I was initiated into travelling by myself as soon as I stepped off the tram. A dude named Mohammed decided he wanted to escort me to my hotel, no matter what I said. He followed me in and kept trying to exchange numbers. He left and then came back in with his number written down. I had already told him no about 6 times. By now, I had to break out my ghetto--dude, I said no and I put my hand in his face. That worked and my hotel receptionist thought this was very funny.

I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up with crusty eyes and aching shoulders from my bag of bricks that I am carrying--Brussels is fittin' to have a large number of my second hand clothes left in their hotel. Regardless, I was ready to go out and make the most of my trip to Brussels, Belgium. With new spirit, I took the hotel shuttle to the city center. I am thanking God for the shuttle, because I manuvered the tram to my hotel and walked--that is where I met my little "stalker friend" earlier. The hotel has a shuttle to the train station too. I am all over it. Anyway, Brussels is like they took Morocco and transplanted into a New Orleans style place where they speak Dutch. I felt strangely like I did in Istanbul because of the large packs of Muslim men standing around. Interesting...

I was taking in the beauty of the city market place and a Muslim dude asked me for the time. I looked at my watch and he grabbed my hand to look also. I pulled my hand away and he started saying "F@#! you, F@*! you!" I rolled my eyes, but I was really thinking, "No you di ent!!" (said in a ghetto voice). Wow, do I have a sign on my head saying "Bother me, I'm lonely". After these little initiations, I decided to join in with packs of tourists, pretending I was one of their group. I squished right up behind them until the took another direction, and then I found another group to "join". It was funny, but I had no one to laugh with me (please chuckle as you read this so I can complete the experience :) ).

I am off to Paris tomorrow to meet my friend and I am excited to spend the next 5 days in Paris and London. Please pray for SAFETY and that I would be invisible to others as I walk around. Funny, I have always prayed that I wouldn't feel so invisible in life, and now that is all I want.

The Hiccup

2005-06-09T09:12:00.000-05:00

We have had some pretty exciting days on campus after my "wounded soldier" day. I met some great Germans, Bulgarians, Turks, and even some Germans who sound like Scottish and Irish people. What a diverse culture--some of what I like about the States is found here in Dortmund.

Some people that stood out to me: Birgit (and her mother Monika)--she approached me and we hit it off and exchanged numbers. She has come to EVERY one of our events on campus so far, even though she takes 23 hours in school and works part-time; Henrik--hilarious German guy who does American, Scottish, and German accent impersonations. He walked up to our table and asked to eat with Marc, Joa, and me. We talked about lots of things, and he says he wants to go to church, but without God. His heart seemed to be seeking though; Senay--a Turkish girl who wanted to exchange e-mails and come to the English conversation class regularly. These people are just a few that we have met. Many other team members have made amazing contacts. We did an English conversation class that had about 15 people come to it (it had been 3 the week before). Please pray for our grill party tonight and our goodbyes with our friends we've made.

I will have some more pictures up later, but one of the best "outreaches" we have had was going to the Irish pub, "The Hiccup", last night. We watched Germany play Russia in futbol on a big screen and many of our friends came to hang out all night. It was great to relax and talk with them after we had an open-air worship service on campus. We didn't have a great turnout for that, but the RIGHT turnout. At the Hiccup, amid the smoke and noise, two Gospel conversations were going on simultaneously, while 2 guys that the team met last year were conversing with the team as well. Very fun!

Meeting Sarah

2005-06-06T14:00:00.000-05:00

Sarah
Originally uploaded by Brownie Bytes.

I went to a German party and met this girl named Sarah. She spoke excellent English and was just a joy to talk to. We exchanged e-mails and numbers and she said she will try to come to some of our events.

Seriously, we hit it off and I thank God for meeting her. We talked for over an hour and clicked immediately. Praise God for relationships!

A Wounded Soldier

2005-06-06T13:03:00.000-05:00

It has been quite an interesting day. After a weekend of helping and worship, today was rough. I'll start with the weekend first.

A crazy thing in Germany--when a couple buys a house, they are repsonsible for putting EVERYTHING in it. I am not talking about a registry, I am talking about cabinets, tile, wallpaper all over, paint, flooring, windows...the list goes on. One couple involved in the church needed our help, so we spent this past Saturday (and some Sunday) doing jobs for them. I am trying to put pictures up soon so you can have a look at the craziness. Talk about stress!! On Sunday, we went to church and some from our team led worship. Bryan (one of our team leaders) spoke to the congregation with the help of an interpreter. We all went to eat Italian ice cream and Turkish food--imagine that! I think the Turkish guy behind the counter was laughing at my attempts to order in Turkish. :P

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. It was rainy and I felt pressured to wake up earlier than I did. I snapped at someone on my team and then I was supposed to go share the love of Christ with the people on campus. Somehow it didn't seem okay. I talked with a friend and cried, and then I spent some time alone. I realized several things about why I was feeling emotional: I haven't spent a lot of time with God lately due to the nature of overseas travel and teams, and the five year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up on June 10th. Please pray for my heart. I am always too busy to think about it until May comes, then suddenly I start crying a lot. It usually takes a while to figure out why I am so sad for the month. Anyway, all of this heaped on me today. So I cried in a cafe alone, talked with Jesus, and then I still didn't feel okay to go out on campus. I felt like a soldier in battle, only my legs had been shot.

The difference was that I asked God to carry/drag me to where he wanted me to go, even though I didn't feel like anything would come out of it. I was wrong about being ineffective. Apparently, Jesus always works with a willing heart, even if it is from a wounded soldier.

I met some great people not 5 minutes after I returned to our book table on campus. One girl exchaged addresses with me and said she was really excited to start talking with me. :)

Keep praying for our team relations and my effectiveness here in Germany. I would also love to hear comments or encouragements if you have any. More later!

Germany Team

2005-06-03T09:17:00.000-05:00

Germany Team
Originally uploaded by Brownie Bytes.

This is our team on the first night at a local "castle" (okay it has a moat--it counts!) The red eyes are from the camera, not our lack of sleep! It was a long and smelly flight, but I am glad to finally be in Deutschland.

I had to fly by myself because of my later trip to France, so God provided a group of Christians that were going on a mission trip to Russia for me to hang out with on the way over. One older guy owns a photo lab in Dallas and saw that I am a picture taker, so he offered to develop all of my pictures at the end of the summer! For those of you that know how expensive black and whites are to get developed well, you'll know that I almost fell out of my chair. All is well with our team and I look forward to the next 10 days in Germany.

If you would like to see more pictures of the "castle" and a few of our team, click on the "Germany Team" picture and when it takes you to the webpage, click on my "photostream". You can view a slideshow or you can browse away!

Thank you to those who have been praying for me and our team--please keep it up! I need it desperately.

Wow and a little about me

2005-04-29T23:47:00.000-05:00

It has been so long since my last post because life as a teacher is never easy in April/May! I have had a rough year and am looking forward to the summer. About the summer: praise Jesus for getting all the money for my mission trips this summer! I will be spending 12 days in Cologne, Germany with my church, traveling a bit on my own around France, and then meeting my Campus Crusade summer project in Southern France 12 days after Germany. I will be spending 7 weeks in Nice, France with CCC and then returning home to start the new school year a few days later. Wow! I am so looking forward to it.

On my France team, they did a getting to know you thing and I liked it, so I am going to post what I wrote. Most people that check this know me, but it is fun. I am not even sure if anyone checks this at all actually, so I may be writing to myself :) Either way, I dig it. Here goes:

1. Name: Katie Brown
2. School: Graduated from Texas A&M University in College Station, TX (Whoop!)
3. Year: Grad December 20004.
4. Major: Early Childhood Education (with a background in Environmental Engineering--long story); this is my 5th year teaching and I teach first grade right now
5. Birthday: July 2, 1978 (Yes, that does say seventy)5b. Where are you from: Born in Mississippi, moved to Dallas, Texas when I was 12; fully southern y'all5c. # of siblings: 1 older brother and 1 older sister (we are 29, 28, and 27 years old)

6. Interests:

6a. Things I like: people, people, people; traveling around the world; unreached people groups; Alias; U2 (going to the concert in Oct.); reading; photography; Starbucks Chai; decorating my house; scrapbooking and anything creative; watercoloring; snowboarding; wakeboarding; chick flicks; hanging out with college women and watching them grow closer to Jesus; writing poetry; organizing; office supplies; feet and foot massages (I love feet! Clean ones); laughing with my sister and late night calls we have; laughing in general; encouraging people; languages (although I only speak a little Turkish and a tiny bit of French, nothing else yet); missions; Pilates & Yoga; dancing (ballet, tap, Flamenco, hip hop...); communication; watching baseball & golf; fall weather in Texas; Boston--I would love to live there someday

6b. Things I don't like: traffic (especially mean Dallas drivers); waking up at 6:00--it never gets easier for me no matter what people say; passive aggressive people; being fake; failing; Texas summers

7. Previous Summer Projects: No summer projects, but spent a year on STINT in Turkey

8. Favorite Book/Verse in Bible: My life verse is Psalm 73:25-26 "Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. Though my flesh and my heart may fail, God is the strength of my heart and my portion FOREVER."

8b. Favorite non-Bible book: Pride & Prejudice (I also adore the 6 hour movie of it too)

9. Screenname: I don't know--maybe browniek
10. Good Quote: "Expectations are your enemy, flexibility your friend."
--Some random CCC guy told me this on my first day of spending a year in Istanbul, Turkey with STINT

Favorite Drink: Starbucks Chai Latte

It's Astro-Turf!

2005-03-02T18:56:00.000-06:00

I am learning so much about the importance of looking beyond the surface of something/someone before I judge too quickly. My dad had this saying that made me laugh: "The grass IS greener on the other side, but when you get over there, you realize it's astro-turf." I know this to be true, but something about my heart always pushes me to make snap judgements about others, or to shy away from something that doesn't seem like what I want on the surface. I am not sure if this all makes sense, but I had a perfect lesson in contentment today.

I have been driving by the cutest house for months. At first it was for sale, and I wanted to buy it so bad. (Mind you, I am currently renting a great house and I am not looking to buy ANYTHING in the near future.) The house was alluring enough to make me consider spending beyond my means. It wouldn't sell, so they put it up for rent. I was so sad that I was "stuck" in the position I was in. I started to not like my house anymore and wished that I was "free" so that I could snatch the cute house up. Well today, I drove by the "perfect" house and the blinds were open so that you could see inside. This was my chance! I could finally peek in to see what I was missing and to wish I had a different situation. I walked up to find the smallest, most inconvenient, old, and did I mention smallest house I have ever seen? The inside was horrible! All of that pining--for nothing! Well, that house was not for nothing, it has made me think...the grass on the other side is definitely astro-turf!

Shall We Dance?

2005-02-26T22:44:00.000-06:00

My life has been a little like the movie "Shall We Dance?" If you have seen it, I would be the Richard Gere character, only in the dancing part (minus J Lo). I love to dance, so I decided to start taking tap classes with a friend of mine. I have never been so uncoordinated in my life! It is slowly happening for me, but I am seriously trying. I caught myself tap dancing in the bathroom and at work. Tapping around my house and in the grocery store. I feel like I think in tap sounds and steps. Very strange! Anyway, I thought that was something random but funny to share. More posts soon...I will explain why the long pause between this post and the last.

Obedience is not a Feeling

2005-01-09T20:38:00.000-06:00

My sister left this morning :( I had some time before church to clean around the house and put some things away from my boxes (yes, I moved into this house in Sept.). I realized how easy tasks are once you just get started. I have been struggling with discipline in my relationship with Christ. I DESIRE to meet with God daily because I love Him, but I often find the end of the day coming sooner than I expected and I go to bed with regret that I made no time for God. I admire my sister for her consistency in prayer and worship, and we talked about how she doesn't always FEEL like doing those things. She just knows that she wants to, so she makes it a priority in her life. Then, I went to church this morning and the message was the exact same thing. The statements that hit me the most were: "Obedience is not a feeling" and "Love (for God) follows obedience". This essentially means that I should do the things that I KNOW I want to do (like daily prayer, worship, and communion with Jesus)--even when I don't feel like it--because the good feelings/emotion will come once I start. This may seem obvious, but it finally hit home with the housework & church message. God often teaches me with object lessons--it is then that they stick!

Relaxation/Frustration

2004-12-20T21:08:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed that when you finally slow down and relax, you see all the things that you have let slide? After a long and hard semester teaching, I finally sat down at my house to relax a bit on my Christmas break. As soon as I did that, I took a look around and realized that I was surrounded by a tornado of papers, bills, junk...from the past 3 months. I tried to renew the 3 month old subscription to the computer virus protector, only to spend 5 hours figuring out how to install it. My relaxation turned quickly to frustration when I glanced at the clock and realized that I had spent way to long on way too nothing! Anyway, my sister is coming to visit, so I feel the relaxation coming back...

Just Starting

2004-12-05T01:13:00.000-06:00

I thought this was a cool idea and decided to start one. It will take me a while to do anything about it--I will ride off of the fact that I just started one for weeks. Maybe months! :P